I'm sure we have all had one of those dream's where you wake up and wonder where on earth that came from? Like "why did I dream about that?" or "is that what I want to happen now?". Its the kind of dream that you least expected. Then, for the next few nights, you have dreams similar to that first one. That's when you start to wonder what it is they are trying to tell you.
Recently I've been having a certain theme pop-up in my dreams. Its that of me being a mother. Its kind of freaking me out a little. I know I'm 23 and I'm getting younger. But then the logical part of me reminds me that although I'm in a stable relationship. Its not marriage and I don't have the right financial support to even think about making a family.
Oh I should also say, Solking does know about these dream's. So this will not shock him at all.
With the first two or three dream's I had a daughter and then two night's about I had a son. Its to wake up and realise I am far from being a mother so why am I am dreaming about being one. Even though, most of my old school friends have children. I guess I feel a little left out but then again I don't. I feel like the smart one for waiting till I'm fully ready to have a child.
Its scary enough to think that there is going to someday be a little Sazzy running around the place calling me "mummy". I've been told I will make a great mother but that one scares me. It only seems to build up a big expectation of reality.
The Closest I've gotten to acting a like a parent in some way, is when I was babysitting my future nephew's in NY. Solking and I were left to look after the youngest children out of five. So we had to deal with the dirty nappies and crying.
Yet there is a part of me thinking that I could be a mother. I might not be that good but we learn from experience right? Its just I don't want to get pregnant as soon as possible. I would rather wait a few years till Solking and I are fully settled with married life.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
News Update
I had been meaning to add a new entry, but it seems I never find the motivation to do so. So here I am, typing away.
I managed to figure out how to make a CSS gallery, and I am pleased to say, that it is finished unless I create new pieces, in which case I will be uploading them for all to see. The only other addition to the site, that I can think will help, is a guestbook. But I am not entirely sure if it will be a good thing to add. Due to the fact that I have this blog and I think I can get a plug-in to add a guest book to here. So please comment on if you think I should add one or not.
Otherwise, I have been able to get a 2 month extension to my course work. Seeing I only have 5 more topics to cover and that should be more than enough time to finish them. I’ve even gone as far as to make up a study timetable so I don’t spend so much time just doing one topic. I know it might be a little strange to do, but it really does help me a lot and thats the main thing. The only two long topics are PHP and CIW security but I am hoping to get them done quickly. I don’t want my parents to waste their money on something I never got around to finishing.
As far as my GFX skills go, I am kind of improving especially since I’ve become more serious in GFX and trying to get my skills up to a high level. I think at the moment, its more around intermediate level. So I must be getting there. If you haven’t noticed, I have even started to create wallpapers now. Some might not be as good as others. But I am really getting to photomontage type images. Its just the rendering of some of the images that takes a while. But I am really please with how they have turned out so far.
Which reminds me, I have also added a new section to the gallery, which is tutorials. I started making them ages ago. Seeing as this site is an online portfolio, I thought it would be wise to upload them to here. Some are better at explaining for those who are beginners but then the most recent is less explained to act more as a guide on how things where done rather than a instruction as I’ve seen in most signatures.
So please have a look around the site, and comment back ^_^
I managed to figure out how to make a CSS gallery, and I am pleased to say, that it is finished unless I create new pieces, in which case I will be uploading them for all to see. The only other addition to the site, that I can think will help, is a guestbook. But I am not entirely sure if it will be a good thing to add. Due to the fact that I have this blog and I think I can get a plug-in to add a guest book to here. So please comment on if you think I should add one or not.
Otherwise, I have been able to get a 2 month extension to my course work. Seeing I only have 5 more topics to cover and that should be more than enough time to finish them. I’ve even gone as far as to make up a study timetable so I don’t spend so much time just doing one topic. I know it might be a little strange to do, but it really does help me a lot and thats the main thing. The only two long topics are PHP and CIW security but I am hoping to get them done quickly. I don’t want my parents to waste their money on something I never got around to finishing.
As far as my GFX skills go, I am kind of improving especially since I’ve become more serious in GFX and trying to get my skills up to a high level. I think at the moment, its more around intermediate level. So I must be getting there. If you haven’t noticed, I have even started to create wallpapers now. Some might not be as good as others. But I am really getting to photomontage type images. Its just the rendering of some of the images that takes a while. But I am really please with how they have turned out so far.
Which reminds me, I have also added a new section to the gallery, which is tutorials. I started making them ages ago. Seeing as this site is an online portfolio, I thought it would be wise to upload them to here. Some are better at explaining for those who are beginners but then the most recent is less explained to act more as a guide on how things where done rather than a instruction as I’ve seen in most signatures.
So please have a look around the site, and comment back ^_^
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Back From America
Well seeing as I said I would make a thread about my trip when I got back, here it is!
Well after I landed in JFK it took me a while to see Solking again as it was really crowded when I walked through. I mean its no wonder I couldn't see him. But He walked over to me again so that's cool.
When we got back to his, I was so glad to be able to just relax and forget about work and studying for a while. It was totally what I needed as I don't tend to relax that much at home. Yes I sit in front of my PC all day but that doesn't mean its all care free etc. I study online and when I'm not studying I'm trying to get my skills in Photoshop up to a good enough standard that I can get a job in Digital art and web design.
But anyway...While I was in New York, Eddie took me around Far Rockaway, Manhattan, and the Bronx Zoo. It had been so long that I had been in Far Rockaway, yet it didn't take me long to adjust to the surroundings. I got used to people driving on the "wrong" - yes Eddie the WRONG!! side of the road lol. I even got use to the currency.. I guess keeping some from my last visit helped a little.
Well for my birthday Eddie and I went to Times Square and had lunch at TGI Fridays where I had a Mudslide and Eddie had a Long Island Ice Tea. The mudslide was so nice I was tempted to get another drink but I'm glad I didn't because when we got the bill, it all came to $64 for two drinks and two meals. After the meal we went for a walk around the shops etc but I didn't buy anything as I was kind of low on money in my wallet :P
Then for our next trip Eddie took me to Ground Zero. I would have liked to have gone to the Tourist centre but really it wasn't well marked, so instead we walked around the village and then up to 14th Ave. to the station to go home because it was raining and we were both getting tired from walking about so much.
One weekend we went to Youth Ministries event out of state, to which I don't know where but it was fun. Even though when the speakers were talking, they kept changing from English to Spanish. So poor Eddie had to translate some of it for me. but it was all fun. In the afternoon, they had Building 429 play so at least that was some songs I could hear and the recognise the words for.
For the following week, we went to the Bronx zoo. It did take us a while to get there because the signs for the entrances is pathetic. But once we got there, we went everywhere! even if the animals were no where to be seen. But I got to see the Tiger and the Polar bar so I am happy. I think Eddie was happy that he got to see the Turtles :P so it was all good. Although the sea lions were just as cute but we couldn't take any of them home T_____T
Otherwise, we made sure that we left the apartment once every two days. So we were cooped up most of the trip. Even if it was to the library, Dunkin Donuts and to get some soda :P it was worth the fresh air.
Then when the day came for us to leave, it was strange that we had nine hours to go yet we were ready. The trip was really worth it. Its just that all the pictures can be seen on my facebook page, for those who have it and have me added. Otherwise, I don't think you will be able to see all the pictures.
Well after I landed in JFK it took me a while to see Solking again as it was really crowded when I walked through. I mean its no wonder I couldn't see him. But He walked over to me again so that's cool.
When we got back to his, I was so glad to be able to just relax and forget about work and studying for a while. It was totally what I needed as I don't tend to relax that much at home. Yes I sit in front of my PC all day but that doesn't mean its all care free etc. I study online and when I'm not studying I'm trying to get my skills in Photoshop up to a good enough standard that I can get a job in Digital art and web design.
But anyway...While I was in New York, Eddie took me around Far Rockaway, Manhattan, and the Bronx Zoo. It had been so long that I had been in Far Rockaway, yet it didn't take me long to adjust to the surroundings. I got used to people driving on the "wrong" - yes Eddie the WRONG!! side of the road lol. I even got use to the currency.. I guess keeping some from my last visit helped a little.
Well for my birthday Eddie and I went to Times Square and had lunch at TGI Fridays where I had a Mudslide and Eddie had a Long Island Ice Tea. The mudslide was so nice I was tempted to get another drink but I'm glad I didn't because when we got the bill, it all came to $64 for two drinks and two meals. After the meal we went for a walk around the shops etc but I didn't buy anything as I was kind of low on money in my wallet :P
Then for our next trip Eddie took me to Ground Zero. I would have liked to have gone to the Tourist centre but really it wasn't well marked, so instead we walked around the village and then up to 14th Ave. to the station to go home because it was raining and we were both getting tired from walking about so much.
One weekend we went to Youth Ministries event out of state, to which I don't know where but it was fun. Even though when the speakers were talking, they kept changing from English to Spanish. So poor Eddie had to translate some of it for me. but it was all fun. In the afternoon, they had Building 429 play so at least that was some songs I could hear and the recognise the words for.
For the following week, we went to the Bronx zoo. It did take us a while to get there because the signs for the entrances is pathetic. But once we got there, we went everywhere! even if the animals were no where to be seen. But I got to see the Tiger and the Polar bar so I am happy. I think Eddie was happy that he got to see the Turtles :P so it was all good. Although the sea lions were just as cute but we couldn't take any of them home T_____T
Otherwise, we made sure that we left the apartment once every two days. So we were cooped up most of the trip. Even if it was to the library, Dunkin Donuts and to get some soda :P it was worth the fresh air.
Then when the day came for us to leave, it was strange that we had nine hours to go yet we were ready. The trip was really worth it. Its just that all the pictures can be seen on my facebook page, for those who have it and have me added. Otherwise, I don't think you will be able to see all the pictures.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
WOOOT VACATION!!!!
well its finalized, I am going on vacation 15th March to go and see my wonderful fiancé in New York. Hopefully the pictures will be better and I won't look so dead in them.
I haven't had a holiday in two years and I really need one and its a bonus that I get to spend time with my fiancé Solking so its worth it. The difference with this vacation is that I don't have to worry about baby sitting but I get to go site seeing. I really want to see Ground Zero, as I did a project about at University as well as the Bombings in London a few years back.
Its cheered me up that I have finally brought my ticket and insurance. I just have to study as much as I can before I go so I don't have to do much studying when I'm there.
I haven't had a holiday in two years and I really need one and its a bonus that I get to spend time with my fiancé Solking so its worth it. The difference with this vacation is that I don't have to worry about baby sitting but I get to go site seeing. I really want to see Ground Zero, as I did a project about at University as well as the Bombings in London a few years back.
Its cheered me up that I have finally brought my ticket and insurance. I just have to study as much as I can before I go so I don't have to do much studying when I'm there.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Destructive personality
Recently, there have been instances where it has came to my attention that maybe I am not the type of person who I thought I was. I always thought that if I helped out my friends everything would be great. I never asked for anything in return except for their happiness in life. I am happy with dealing with my own problems and working through them myself, so I was never a burden to anyone. I never wanted others to be worried about me or feel sad because of me. I have managed to do well on my own this far. Hiding my pain was something I tried so hard to do and I did pretty well at it. Just locking myself in my room and dealing with it in my own was fine and I wouldn't ask for anything else.
Yet, when I was dating my Ex, he really pushed me overboard. I suppose I've never really talked much about things or about anything that bothered personally till him. I really tried my best to just lock my problems in myself and not have anyone poke at them and make it worse. Yet that was all he did. He would try to blackmail me into telling him my past. In telling him what had been apparently bugging me for a while. He literally toyed with my emotions for the whole evening and night. He would sit there and watch me cry my heart out as I just wanted to be left alone. I suppose it was his way of torturing me till he got what he wanted.
Of course, he did in the end in the early hours of the morning. I cried so much that I really did want to run away from him. I don't even know why I didn't. But I just stayed there and cried as all he said "you need to deal with it". He wasn't comforting at all. He didn't even seem to notice what it was doing to me at all. He only seemed to care about himself that he way of doing things was the right and only way. From that moment on, he would still bring up that night to blackmail into staying. It wasn't till he dumped me that I felt free, free from the troubled times where I wanted to commit suicide because I couldn't things any more.
I guess this is one of the biggest reasons why I shut myself away when people ask me whats wrong or even try to compliment me. Its a major trust issue that I'm reluctent to over come. I never want to feel that way again but I can't be sure that it won't either. There is never a sure way things will be ok anyway even as this experience hovers over my head. I still feel that my problems are either too minute to worry about or that will turn people against me. There is no way I can tell and I don't think I can ever bring myself to even pluck up the courage to do so. As much as I want to help other's, it seems that when people get close to me, they end up hurting.
Is my personality really that distructive that even though people really care about me, they still get hurt because of me. Maybe a life of solitude is something that I am destined to have. To live away from people so they don't get hurt but really get the thing I've tried to hard to do but not letting them get to know me. If people only get hurt then why should I let them get to know me? Why?
Yet, when I was dating my Ex, he really pushed me overboard. I suppose I've never really talked much about things or about anything that bothered personally till him. I really tried my best to just lock my problems in myself and not have anyone poke at them and make it worse. Yet that was all he did. He would try to blackmail me into telling him my past. In telling him what had been apparently bugging me for a while. He literally toyed with my emotions for the whole evening and night. He would sit there and watch me cry my heart out as I just wanted to be left alone. I suppose it was his way of torturing me till he got what he wanted.
Of course, he did in the end in the early hours of the morning. I cried so much that I really did want to run away from him. I don't even know why I didn't. But I just stayed there and cried as all he said "you need to deal with it". He wasn't comforting at all. He didn't even seem to notice what it was doing to me at all. He only seemed to care about himself that he way of doing things was the right and only way. From that moment on, he would still bring up that night to blackmail into staying. It wasn't till he dumped me that I felt free, free from the troubled times where I wanted to commit suicide because I couldn't things any more.
I guess this is one of the biggest reasons why I shut myself away when people ask me whats wrong or even try to compliment me. Its a major trust issue that I'm reluctent to over come. I never want to feel that way again but I can't be sure that it won't either. There is never a sure way things will be ok anyway even as this experience hovers over my head. I still feel that my problems are either too minute to worry about or that will turn people against me. There is no way I can tell and I don't think I can ever bring myself to even pluck up the courage to do so. As much as I want to help other's, it seems that when people get close to me, they end up hurting.
Is my personality really that distructive that even though people really care about me, they still get hurt because of me. Maybe a life of solitude is something that I am destined to have. To live away from people so they don't get hurt but really get the thing I've tried to hard to do but not letting them get to know me. If people only get hurt then why should I let them get to know me? Why?
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Just my thoughts, that is all
Why is it that one's troubles always conclude to a flaw within one's very self? I know that mankind is not perfect in any way. But does fighting with one's self really enable us to go beyond the obstacle and become the strongest person we can be?
I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can't fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.
As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can't be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don't know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can't even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.
Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don't know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don't know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.
One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn't want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can't accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can't accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say "The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it". But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don't seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.
As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I'm not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.
The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.
I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can't fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.
As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can't be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don't know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can't even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.
Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don't know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don't know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.
One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn't want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can't accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can't accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say "The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it". But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don't seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.
As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I'm not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.
The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.
Just my thoughts, that is all
Why is it that one's troubles always conclude to a flaw within one's very self? I know that mankind is not perfect in any way. But does fighting with one's self really enable us to go beyond the obstacle and become the strongest person we can be?
I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can't fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.
As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can't be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don't know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can't even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.
Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don't know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don't know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.
One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn't want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can't accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can't accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say "The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it". But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don't seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.
As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I'm not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.
The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.
I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can't fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.
As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can't be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don't know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can't even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.
Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don't know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don't know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.
One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn't want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can't accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can't accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say "The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it". But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don't seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.
As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I'm not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.
The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.
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