Hello Winter

It has been so long since I wrote something. I'm sorry T_T

So to up-date people. Autumn here in Japan has been and gone T_T It was so short compared to England. The colours were so beautiful. I was driving to Morioka one weekend to see my BFF's Annik and Limor for a weekend of shopping and catching up. On the way I couldn't help but stop and take photo's as I left with plenty of time to spare.

It's now the start of winter. The night's are definitely colder and the mornings are cold, making it hard to get up. But I have prepared for winter and I just need to stock up on long-life food just in case. But, really, I cannot wait to see a decent amount of snow. In England, we get so little snow that our snow sculptures are average. Yet here that will change!

There is only one downside though. I am still single this winter, and it is my first Christmas away from the family. Its going to be something new or me. Unless things change before then......

Its still hard to believe that I have been living in another country for over 8 months. I have felt so at home here and as every day is still unpredictable, it makes it more exciting. I am looking forward to my second year here and hope my students continue to be supportive as they have been. Although, I will miss my third year high school students. They have been a joy to teach (well one class may be more troublesome than a joy and have tested my endurance and stress levels). Nonetheless, they were the first year to warm up to me and make me feel welcomed, I would love to go to the leaving ceremony and say my goodbye's properly.  I still have four months with the students and hope to make their last year at high school a memorable one.

Japan

I only just noticed that I haven't shown any photo's I've taken in Japan on here yet. If you follow me on FB, then you are already able to see these photo's. Although these photo's were taken a while ago. And I've taken a lot more since then. So I will posting them later.

Please feel free to have a look though. I do get into the habit of taking a lot of photo's once I have my camera in my hands. But I'm only an amateur photographer. But the prefecture I live in, here in Japan, is so beautiful and you wouldn't have guessed that its the prefecture that was badly hit by the Tsunami over two years ago.

Another Job

I finally got the approval of my company to work at a small English Cafe school. I will be teaching a small group of adults easy English. It will be my first time teaching adults. So I will do my very best to teach them. I won't be alone, there will be a Japanese native speaker there to help me. It will also be great to have another job where I can earn that extra money so I can hopefully go to Tokyo this winter!

This will be the perfect opportunity to not only teach a different age range but I get to learn Japanese too. I've already had one of the English teachers I work with help me with a Japanese phrase I practiced on the board. I completely forgot about one particle, which I told her a little while before that I found はand が difficult, although I am better at them than I was. I was just happy that what I wrote made sense. A student who was still the room after class said I had nice writing. Its just a shame that I write better than I can speak. But I am working on the speaking part now.

So wish me luck in starting this new class!! Its going to be great to be teaching adult mothers who want to learn English but have never had a chance to learn because they have been busy with raising their children. The place where I will be work is more like a cafe and mothers can bring their children and be learning in a relaxed atmosphere so they won't feel pressured. I just hope I can do a really good job. I am going to try my best with using Japanese to translate into English for them.

頑張れ！！

So Annoyed!

Okay, my mood is a little ruined now... I just found that an image of mine that I did a few years ago is on sites I never uploaded it to (>___<). I know Higashi no Eden (Eden of the East) is a great anime. But to upload MY "Our Kiss" wallpaper to other sites without my permission... totally annoyed me!

If you see it on other site than on My Deviant, My facebook, My Tumblr (Sazzy-Bu) and my own website. Then I didn't upload it to that site!! I will only upload my work under my own username. It really annoys me when I find that some users have done this to me!!

お久しぶり

みんなさん、お久しぶりですね。みんなさんは元気、私はまあまあで。今日は種市町で雨模様と寒いです、これは天気の私に英語のを思い出させる。それはくつろがせるで！仕事は多分忙しい、でも私が楽しいです。私が教える生徒たちは驚くべきものだ。彼らが私の日本語で私を助けて。私の自由な時間で日本語を勉強します。まだ私は勉強です。頑張り！
私の日本語が間違っている場合は、すみませんでした。

English:
Its been a long time everyone. I hope everyone is healthy, I am so-so. It is cold and rainy in Taneichi Town today, this reminds me of English weather. It is relaxing!　The students I teach are amazing! They help me with my Japanese.  I study Japanese in my free time. I am still studying. I do my best!
If my Japanese is wrong, I am sorry.

本当にお久しぶり！It has been a month since I last posted anything. I've been on Summer vacation. Even thought it was a great time to go and sightsee, in the end, I ended up staying at home and going to the local festivals. I've not been saving up much money so I've had to try and cut back my spending to make sure I have plenty of money for October when I get for just about two weeks of work in August at the end of September. Although, I was able to practice more of the simple kanji. It may be strange trying to write it because I am someone who remembers things with practice. I can't just look at it and remember it. But it is fun to learn and I've managed to find a program for my computer which tests me every day on the Kanji I choose. At the moment I am only working on the JLPT NS5 Kanji. But its funny to look back at my old notebook of Japanese from a year ago and see how much smaller the kanji has become now. Surely, that means I am getting used to writing it now, right?!

Otherwise, I've been to the nearest bigger city a few times this summer. I even got sunburnt by staying out in the sun for three hours without sun cream. I was too busy taking photo's, which I have uploaded to facebook. It was nice to get out of the house and go for a drive. I also went to watch the fireworks in kuji and Noda. The fireworks here are so pretty to watch and colourful.

I finally went to a BBQ last weekend and I had a good time. I didn't get to speak to many of the local's much because I finally realised my Japanese skills is just so low T_T I really wonder why I have a job here sometimes. But it was strange to meat was constantly cooked while there was people there. Okay, so a lot of people actually brought a lot of meat with them. But, it was a good thing. I only took small bits at a time, as to not seem too greedy, but the food was delicious!

こんばんは！！

みんなさんが、こんばんは！！

Its been a while since I made a post. I've rather distracted :P I'm really enjoying life here in Japan and I am so happy here. A friend made a comment saying that life here suits me and I seem really happy. Which I can never deny. Things are so much better. I go out and meet new people. Even though for a sad reason of two teachers leaving the City I live in and have both helped me since I arrived. But I was able to meet their Japanese friends and get to increase my circle of friends. I am very happy to have met such amazing people who have welcomed me and talk to me. Although there might be a slight language problem. But I am trying my best to study. However, its hard when people speak so fast. I cannot understand most of the words. But I am here to learn the language. Sometimes my friend can talk to me in full Japanese, expecting me to fully understand. But if anything, it makes me want to punch 'em.

やった！それは夏休みだ！！

Summer vacation (夏休み） is here, well for almost two weeks or so. I haven't been any where yet. But that's because I am saving some money ready for the next two weeks which is when I can travel more around Iwate Prefecture and take some lovely photo's. Plus there is a Beach Football event going on next weekend which I am going to watch. Its something different and its with the new friends I have met.

I also went to my first festival in Japan on Wednesday. It was only a small festival about the health and exorcising your demons (hope that is the right phrase to use). But my friend and I didn't go to the Shrine as we are both 外国人（foreigner). We didn't feel it was right to go to the shrine and not really understand what to do.

There has also been some development in the love aspect of my life. I don't want to go into that right now. I have a lot of people who are probably interested in my love life, but I don't want to jinx anything.

Bored!

So Up-Date time!

I cannot believe that I have been living in Japan for almost three months already. Seriously, it feels like I have been here for a month or so. Yet I've gotten used to waking up at 6 or so on week days. That is something I would never do in England. I was more of a night owl compared to here. But I can't stay up too late on work days because I just don't function well if I don't get enough sleep. But the teachers I work with are really nice and I get on with them okay. They don't talk to me as much as they talk to other teachers, again, the language barrier is a pain in the ass.

I've managed to make my apartment my own now. I don't have much furniture but I have been able to buy a 22" Monitor to plug into my laptop which is only like a 11.6". So the bigger the screen, the better. I have bought an A3 printer scanner which has helped me out a lot! I have had a lot of worksheets to make and being able to print off a master copy at home has helped. But sometimes I don't realize there is a mistake until I get to work the next day T_T talk about being stupid (>__<)))

There has been a few problems with making friends here though. It turns out that there are still real ass jerks here in Japan. Or I just have amazing luck in finding said jerks! By jerks, I mean guys who are only after one thing and lie to you with a straight face. However, I hope things are different with this guy I am going to meet up with again next week. We met through a friend and we have been talking a bit via email. But I hope we can be good friends. He is the first guy I have met who is the same age as me! I was starting to think that everyone in the city where I live is only 24 years old! So not helpful to someone who is 27.

I do miss my best friends back home though. I am sure they would give me the perfect advice on how I should handle some people. I would at least then have someone to talk to and won't brush me off because if we are seen out together, then people will think we are dating. I honestly hate how some people just think pushing me to one side is going to make me jump through hoops next time I see them. Just as I was starting to really enjoy my life here and feel comfortable with my friends and having a laugh. Something drastic happens and they make me feel like crap because I am worried I will go back to how I was when I was England. I left England for a better life and do something completely different where I wouldn't have to feel pressured into doing something I didn't want to do.

At least the work load recently hasn't been too bad and I have been ale to organize my time a lot better. Having to deal with making a worksheet for every single lesson I do is very time consuming. I know it needs to be done and sometimes I give myself a lot of work to do because I make my own lesson plans. But it still be great to not have to do so much for a lesson. But the company I with have a certain way of doing things and we have to go by their rules.

One annoying thing about not getting much free time, is that I don't really get enough to draw like I used to. That and because I didn't bring any painting materials with me. I have tried to look for water colour paints, but all I've found is those in tubes and I prefer the little slabs of water colour so I don't waste anything. I haven't even been able to find any water colour paper. I don't really want to get my parents to keep sending me things, so I am just going to stick to digital art for the time being.

So confused!

Please excuse this rant but I am so confused!! I thought things were going well. But I guess I was kind of kidding myself. I really do have a habit of making situations awkward.

On the other hand, I have been getting on with things okay recently. I've managed to do as much work as I can during my free lessons and I've successfully managed to do most of the prep. work there. It just gets delayed when it comes to marking other teachers worksheets. They say its not in any rush, but the sooner its done the better so I can carry on working on my own lesson plans and worksheets. I am getting used to creating worksheets now, plus I remember to use American-English and to check my worksheets before I print them. Compared to when creating worksheets for training T_T.

I've met some great people here in Kuji. I've started to become a regular at a few places. And I am sure that the people at Lawsons are going to get annoyed when they see me enter, but they always greet me with a smile. Plus my friend likes to tease me by saying one of the guys who works there is cute and that I should give him my number or talk to him more. He is just trying to get me to have this love triangle to see where it will get me. As long as I am not put into the same situation as last Saturday then I am okay with that.

Last Saturday was hell for me. I am never going to a bar on my own again! I know little Japanese but to be told to sit with three drunk Japanese guys is the worst thing ever!! One guy kept trying to talk to me.. in his totally drunk state. Then tried to touch my hand, I shook his hand twice and then he tried to rest his head on my shoulder. This same guy told me he a girlfriend.... WTF! I am sorry, but that was hell. I couldn't understand what they were saying most of the time. When they tried to speak in English, they mumbled. I will be put in that same situation ever again!!

Otherwise, its all going well so far. Though I think I need to stop buying clothes >.< I am trying to blend in by buying Japanese style clothes.. but they are so pretty anyway that I can't help it! I've even made a friend in one of the clothes shops I go to. She came up to me on Sunday and asked for my name. Sadly, I have kind of forgotten her name. But its lovely how she came up to me and spoke to me in English. Maybe I should ask her where is the best places to go in Kuji, she can be my like tour guide :P

Its been so long!

Its been so long since I actually wrote a post. Life here is so different than being back in England. As well as the fact that I managed to find a guy I really like and the feeling is mutual!! Oh yes people!! Its MUTUAL!!! We haven't started dating yet. We are just friends first because I meet the guy like 3 weeks ago.

On Friday, three weeks ago, I was taken to a restaurant by a local guy and the two male Interac employee's. Being the only female had its perks, well it was less confusing any way. While we were ordering and I was talking to my Mother on Facebook (my social skills then were bad but there was some problems at home and it was the only time I could talk to my Mother). Anyway, I was told my friend Jay that I was getting checked out by a guy in the kitchen. I didn't really think anything of it at first because this is me. I am totally not popular with the guys back home. So me being me, I kind of felt happy that I was getting attention (who wouldn't) but I didn't know what guy he was talking about. As the night went on, I managed to make eye contact with this really cute guy. He totally caught my attention (>___.<. On the way to the restaurant, he said "I love Sarah!". I was so happy that I blushed and hid.

But we have been contacting each other everyday, so it must be a good thing right?! But this week I have seen him everyday. So fingers crossed!

Greetings from Japan!

Greetings from Japan!!

The past two weeks has been rather surreal. I still think I am really in the UK but only the primary language is different. Of course there was a lot of trouble in actually getting here. I will never be flying via British Airways ever again! I am really disappointed in the fact I was not allowed to fly the day I wanted. I arrived to training a day late; however I wasn’t the only one so I felt a little better after hearing that. Although, seeing as training already started, that meant that I didn’t have any time to get rid of the jet lag and adjust to Japanese time. For the first week I had very little sleep at around 4-5 hours as I kept waking up around 3:30am or 4:30am. I was able to sleep better in Morioka. I think it was because the training was more relaxed and I felt less pressured to do the tasks. However, I was able to meet the most amazing group of people ever. As well as making friends with other Brits who are venturing off to other parts of Japan and the two other British ALTs who are in Iwate Prefecture. I was able to make really close friends in Morioka and I do miss their company over the past couple of days.

However, since I’ve moved to Kuji-shi, I’ve managed to feel more at home. I have been meeting other ALTs every day and have gotten to know most of them rather well. Having that little support group has really helped me. Plus it helps that they speak better Japanese than me. Although I have been told that I am more than a beginner at Japanese then I am. I don’t know if that is true. But I hope to improve at least over the next two years.

Today was a very big day for me. I introduced myself to the Board of Education in Kuji. I did feel a little out of place as I kind of interacted with people but I mostly just sat there quietly and tried to listen to what people were saying. Then I was taken by my IC (Independent Contractors or “Helpers”) to my schools to greet the Principle, Vice Principle and the head of the English Department.

The first School I went to was one of the JHS’, it seems like a very big school and I have still yet to find out which classes I will be teaching. But the Head of English seems very nice and supportive. I even introduced myself to the teachers in the staff room in Japanese. I didn’t really expect it but they all smiled at me and that made me feel so at ease.

The JHS I went to was very small in comparison. I think there is a total of 50 students through out the entire school. The 2^nd and 3^rd years only consist of 15 students in each year. Very small indeed, but that means I get to learn less names. I was shown my desk in the teaching room. It really made me feel like part of the small group of staff. I was even given a tour of the school and spoke to the 3^rd years. They seem like a nice group. I think I might even get to help decorate the English room as it seems pretty bare at the moment.

Then lastly, after a 50 minute drive I arrived at the HS I will be working at. It is definitely the largest school of the three. Everyone seemed to be interested in this new Gaijin (Foreigner) in their school. Students were staring at me and smiling, to which I smiled back. Two female students seemed very happy to see me and said Hello to me. It is so strange to be treated this way. I was shown where my desk would be and introduced to the two other English teachers I will be working with.

I did have an interesting chat with my IC about holidays and going home. They suggested that I stay in Japan for the summer as I will be able to cope with that. However, going back to the UK during winter may be an idea. It gets cold in Japan and it is easier to get depressed during that period of time. Especially if I wish to stay in Japan for two years or more, going back home for a holiday will help.

Who knows what will happen over the coming year. But at least the first part of the greetings is out of the way. It’s the next part which is going to be embarrassing as it’s a greeting to the Students during assembly. I’ve heard stores that the students do something to greet the new teacher before they introduce themselves in English to everyone. I am so glad I have experience in being in front of a large group of people. However, that has been either singing or dancing. It has never been talking about oneself.

So wish me luck!!

 

 

Suitcases packed..

Well I've managed to pack my two suitcases. I honestly hope that I will be alright getting from Haneda Airport to Narita airport when I arrive in Tokyo on Sunday at 5am. I do have plenty of time to get to Narita from Haneda as I won't be able to enter my room till 4pm. It will strange to be arriving in Japan and as my friend says "In 48 hours, you will be in in Tokyo". Its so strange to thing how quickly time has gone by.

I have never been so worried about getting my lesson plan right till recently. I know that I should really have more confidence in myself as I have been able to get my dream job. But all the more reason to worry about messing up. I've gotten so worried about it that my stomach started to churn and I wanted to be sick. I can get upset while worrying so easily that I really hope I get through Saturday and Sunday okay.

Just a little sentimental

I honestly didn't think I would get sentimental but its slowly hitting me. It is only a week till my 27th Birthday. I know its meant to be a happy time and celebrate being a year older, but I almost feel the opposite. Instead its a reminder of how much things have and will change. I have 11 days left in the UK.

Please don't get me wrong! I really am excited to be going to Japan and living there. Its a dream come true. I cannot wait to move into my apartment and settle into my new life. I've always wanted a fresh start in a place where I don't get reminded of things that happened in the past. Or feel like I am stuck in a runt and can't escape. I can hopeful work in an environment where I won't get stressed most of the time or be given guilt trips into doing something I don't want to do.

2012 was the most difficult year I have ever had. Yet there was some people who told me to apply for a job I had always wanted to do. It had been a dream since I was young to be a teacher. I wasn't really sure on what subject I wanted my speciality to be. It was either a dance teacher or and English teacher. It wasn't until High School where I really felt inspired to be a teacher.

I had this amazing English teacher, Mrs Clarke. To me, she was a teacher who didn't treat me like some child they had to teach. She would push me to try my hardest and help me in any way I could. I even took extra classes after school so I could get more help with my assignments and get the highest grade I could. I passed my GCSE English with two Cs, which to me made me really happy, even my form tutor was really excited and praised me for my hard work. It might not seem like much to other people. But for me to have someone reach out and help meant a great deal than I could ever express.

I even more grateful to my friend Kaytee R. She has helped me through a lot over the past three years. Be it deciding on if a relationship is good for me or applying for work. She has always listened and given me honest advise. But I am going to miss her so much. She supported me through my counselling sessions and helped me out of my little shell that I cocooned myself in. I owe her so much and I will be totally lost without her. I won't have my drinking, dance and shopping partner with me any more. Plus I am going to miss her adorable little baby girl. She is just as beautiful as her mother, whom I am so proud of. Love you my one and only <3

If it wasn't for Nessa, I don't think I would have understood what it was like to have a friend from the very start. We've known each other since we were four years old. We used to live across the road from each other and play everyday. We may have lived apart from each other for a long time. But we have always kept in contact and kept each other up-to-date with how things are going. She moved back to the Island well over a year ago and she helped through counselling too. She knew how troubled I was and how it was making me really depressed. Plus she knows me better than anyone, well she has put up with for the past 23 years.

Then there is my family. We seem perhaps a little dysfunctional and we aren't that close. But there is one person who I am going to miss so much that I really hope they will be fine while I'm away. Since I came home from Uni, I think I've become more close to my Mother. We spend a lot of time together and I don't just mean at home. We go shopping, out for meals and go watch movies. We have never been this close and she is definitely my best friend. Although it did take a lot of time to convince her that 3/4 length trousers didn't suit her, but I go there with determination!! The past couple of years have been so difficult for her as she has struggled looking after her Mum who now has dementia. Yet she has become strong in dealing with it all that I hope she doesn't crumble while I am away. Mum has always put others first and then later herself. She can get angry at times but that is because she been strong for far too long. She may not like my decisions in life or the boyfriends I've dated. But she has always done anything she can to help. She may be overprotective at times, but it only means she cares. I really do love my Mum and I hope that Dad and younger Brother are going to look after her while I'm gone. But its going to be hard to get used to her not being around.

Of course I am grateful to everyone else who said I should go for this job and do something more with my life. Especially friends I have made at my old job. Their support and kind words really mean a lot. Even more so I felt a little out of place at times because some didn't understand me. But thank you all so much!!

At the end of the day I am only going to Japan, its only a long plane ride away. I will be coming home when ever I can. And it may only be that I will be away for a year. If its more than I will be sure to come back and surprise you all.

Sorry for being sentimental but I wanted to say something now.

 

 

Moving to Iwate Prefecture, Japan

[caption id="attachment_391" align="alignleft" width="630"] Map of Japan[/caption]

I received a phone call from Japan yesterday morning from Interac Recruitment and Placement Department. I was offered a placement, which I could accept in the next 24 hours. I will be moving to Iwate Prefecture, Japan. I will be working within two High Schools and will need to drive. It will be an exciting new challenge to be teaching in a High School. I am completely new to teaching though. But I am still very excited to be given this opportunity to work in such an environment.

Luckily, yesterday was a day off work so I was able to look for all the information I could find on Iwate Prefecture|岩手県. Its very interesting to see what the climate is like. It was closer to the Hokkaido than I thought it was. But that means that I get to enjoy Snow 6 months of the year.

From what I've read on-line, Iwate is the second biggest prefecture in Japan after Hokkaido. So it comes to no surprise that so far I will one of six ALTs of Interac will be placed there. I am looking forward to working with so many people and meet the current ALTs who are already working in Japan. It will be interesting to see where the intense training is going to be held. But I am sure once its over, the group of us will be able to travel to Iwate together and have orientation at the Morioka Branch (well I think that is what is going happen, nothing has been confirmed yet).

Moving to Iwate Pref. is probably one of the biggest steps I've ever taken. I know it took me a while to get here, but somehow I managed it. I was sure that with the troubles of collecting paperwork and references that I wouldn't seem eager enough to want a job with Interac. Yet I guess I was proven wrong. People have told me to have more confidence in myself. For me to get this placement must prove something. I am clearly able to do more than I think. Hopefully teaching will help me build up my confidence and faith in myself. I will definitely be building up courage to speak in front of students ageing 15-18 years old. But at the same time, I can relate to the age group more. Although I might feel really old compared to them, I will just have to get used to that though.

I really cannot wait to move. I will be looking forward to be able to explore what Iwate has to offer.

A Trip to Iwate - Iwate Prefecture Tourism Portal Site
Excursion in Zipangu, the Land of Gold Explore the modern-day Zipangu around Hiraizumi where Golden Culture still thrives

Looking through this website, I am looking forward to learning how to Ski during the long winder. As well as being able to go to the Onsen's and temples which are in such beautiful surroundings. I am really glad to have bought my Nikon D3100 now as I can really put it to go use.

As I've yet to have from the Morioka Branch for further info, I am sure to update this blog very soon ヽ(＾Д＾)ﾉ

Hate it!

I starting to really hate things at the moment. I thought I was unsure where I belonged before I got a job in Japan. Now its even worse, I Hate it!

Most people are telling me "Do what you think is right" or "Do whatever makes you happy"... Getting a job in Japan is a dream. To be able to help children learn more about English culture is something I never thought I would be able to do. But what about my home in the UK? Can I really call it the place I call "home"? I am feeling a little lost and confused about it all.

My father asked me when I thought it was best to put my car up on a local e-bay type site. Now to me, my car is a precious thing that I don't want to loose. I bought it will all my own money and worked hard to get it. If there was a way to import it back to Japan, then I would definitely do it. But selling it just doesn't seem right. I know I plan to stay in Japan for a year or more but does that really mean I have to sell it?

I've also had my Brother tell me that I should sell everything I own to get the money to use in Japan. But wouldn't that mean loosing every reason I have to come back? Do people really not want me to come back after a year?? Am I really that loved??? I know it might seem that I am really twisting people's words, but its what I am feeling at the moment.

Maybe I should really sell everything I have here in England. My computer, my car, my personal belongings, and maybe even my house, which I probably won't ever get to live in. I thought having things here would make me feel like I will always a place to come back to. A place that is familiar. Was I really just imagining it all?

Its probably for the best. I have always thought that going to Japan would mean a new start and a new life. Where I can meet new people and other people who love Anime, Manga, J-Rock, J-Pop and even K-Pop like I do. I get to go to Karaoke bars and have a laugh with my new co-workers while still trying to keep up with social hierarchy.

Its Karma Bitch!

Looking through my fb history and I've got to admit. Damn have I been through a lot of shit! A failed longterm relationship and broken friendships, becoming an outcast, being rejected and struggling with personal problems.

But look at where this biatch is now! I got through all that and ended up making my dreams come true. If that isn't a slap in face to all those bastards who ruined my life.. then I hope karma comes and bites you in the ass!! Its karma Bitch!

I am going to Japan!!

Oh yes people, I am going to Japan! I will be leaving in March to start work in April. I really couldn't believe what I was reading when I got an email from the Recruitment office in Japan offering me a job. I really did think that I didn't do well in the demo lessons that they wouldn't offer me any placement at all. However, my friends kept telling me to believe and have more confidence in myself. I have tried for a similar position in Japan via the JET programme but I didn't even get to the interview stage. Now that I have a TEFL qualification and have applied for work via one of the biggest companies who send ALTs to Japan, I have been more successful. One thing I am most unsure of, is my level of Japanese. I've tried my best to study the language myself. Yet when I had to introduce myself in Japanese for the presentation part of my interview.. I so hope it was good enough for them to understand. I have never spoken to anyone who is Japanese in Japanese before. So I wasn't sure of what level my understanding actually is, so I went for Beginner as it is true in some ways.

The most exciting part now is beginning. I have to sent the last three forms of my application to Japan before the 10th January. Then I have to apply for the Certificate of Eligibility and apply for my visa before arriving in Japan. Once the CoE is completed, then my placement will be confirmed. Hopefully then I will find out where about in Japan I will be placed. I am not too fussy as to where I want to go. To me, as long as I get to experience life in Japan and do my best at my job then I will not mind at all. Its going to be a fresh new start for me where I can finally relax and become stronger in myself.

This past year has been the most difficult year of all. From hitting the lowest of the lows in life and doing things that I never thought I would do. To actually taking that jump, getting a qualification and being offered in a job that is my dream job really. I have always wanted to be a teacher from a young age because I want to help children learn more about the world and help them out in any way I can. Its amazing to watch a child grown and mature. Plus they can be so unpredictable that it makes life more entertaining.

So wish me luck for the future and please still contact me when I am there. I will miss my closest friends and family above all. So please don't forget me!!

Nothing is worse than

Its so strange that after being single for a year and a half now, I am so confused over how guys think. Nothing is worse than being confused like this. I thought that growing up with only two brothers would be a good thing. At least I might be able to understand. But its totally not the case. Its probably just it worse as I still don't fully understand my brothers.

I do know that I have a tendency to over think things. Plus I was just looking online about stopping over thinking.. and the first step is:

Avoid situations and people that can lead to overthinking. You can do this based on history – you can probably determine which situations are going to keep you up at night unnecessarily. Or do this based on how something makes you feel prior to participating. This takes some self-awareness, but it isn’t unlike what an alcoholic has to do in order to stay sober. They avoid the people, places, and things that put them into that mental state.

"They avoid the people... that put them into that mental state". Maybe it might help to stay away from the person I like. Probably a good thing. Nothing is ever going to become of liking them anyway. I am sure that I have have the aura that scares men into thinking that I will be a horrible girlfriend. So they want to stay friends. I used to always think that I would always be alone. At least when I was thinking that, I was happier compared to now. It must have done me some good. If I do give off said aura, then it would be nice to know. A friend told me I am an amazing person etc.. but I really don't see it. But if any one tells me that they attracted to me because of my personality not for my looks one more time. I will seriously kick them in the nuts. People think its great to be attracted on what is on the inside. But in all honesty, people want to hear they are beautiful by the person they like. I've never had someone like me because I'm pretty (still can't used to saying that about me), so what reason do I have to believe that I am. My friends are different of course. It would just be nice to have someone to help boost my confidence a bit more rather than destroy it.

Anyway... Why do men confuse me? When I think that I am getting to know someone really well and it could progress even more, they drop the "its not you, its me" line. The fake line that really pisses me off. The line that really means "Its because I am really not attracted you as your not attractive enough but I will try to let you down gently". The line that should never have come into existence!  Yes, people try to do the right thing, but doing the absolute wrong thing. Never should anyone use this line if you wish to remain friends either. It makes a person feel like they back-up-, back-up, last resort back-up. If you are really going to toy with a person's feeling, then you may try to use this line. But be warned that you always been perceived as the ass-hole who used 'that line' with the added bonus of being kicked where if freaking hurts!

Also, I am really not liking the "FRIENDZONE" tactic either. The zone that I have been put in most of my life. This zone is getting a little boring. Its also the reason why I am really hating Men right now. Rejection is a bitch with being  FRIENDZONED as its whore of a cousin. Why do people bother with this zone?? Again, its toying with someone's emotions and its a bastard! "I don't see you in that/I am not looking for a relationship right now, so can we just be good friends?!" The rhetorical question that really puts the knife in someone's heart. The question that instantly makes me think of Juliet when she sees Romeo dead laying next to her and her only hope is to commit suicide. That happy dagger that would really be the icing on the cake and would also be a better way to knock someone down when they are already down. You may seem like your letting someone down gently... when you really just killed them inside and stepped them even further onto the road of depression. Seriously, do people not even think about this when they FRIENDZONE someone?????

I think those two lines are the lines I dread to hear the most. I really don't want to hear them because you know that only go together, if you hear one, then the other is only just round the corner. It then seals your fate of a doomed existence. Instead, I just say "Don't worry about it" or "It doesn't matter" I would rather stop you than have to hear those two lines one more freaking time! Its just confusing when you try to reject us by staying friends and give us hope that something might happen in the future.

So please guy's, try to just at least do something right and don't use these lines!! You are not really doing anyone any favours if you do!

An Update

Well its been a long time since I posted, so here is an update so far about my life and what is new. I'm sorry if it is a little boring, but please bare with me and I hope it all becomes clear towards the end.

TEFL:

I passed the 20-Hour Weekend course. It was a little nerve wreaking at first, but after the ice breakers we all relaxed and really enjoyed ourselves. I was surprised to find out that I was the only one on the course who wants to go to Japan to teach. Most wanted to go to Thailand or to Brazil or Spain. It works out better for me as I don't have many going for jobs there.

Interac Japan:

I finished my application for a position there last week. I am only waiting back for a reply to a question I sent last Thursday with regards to a query about References. Hopefully, I should hear back from them soon, so I can fully completely my application and get to the next stage that is the phone interview.

Art:

Well I persevered and made a painting on A4 using water colour and drawing Ink. But then I painted a bigger version on a canvas I got for my birthday this year. It might not sound like much but I really wanted to experiment using Ink in my work. I think it all turned out really well: http://sazzy-bu.deviantart.com/art/Sweet-Breeze-Canvas-328949022

I have also added some more images to my Society 6 profile. I have had a few people promote my work so far, however, I've yet to have anyone buy a piece. But my work is still progressing, so I'm not that surprised. http://society6.com/SazzyBu

House:

Well the work is currently on hold till we get an electrician in to certify all the wiring. Only then will I will be happy fully finishing the decorating. But the water and gas isn't connected at all. I am hoping to moving in before Christmas. I really need to get out of my parents house and live on my own. I've been too dependent for far too long now. I need to get back on my feet rather than secluding myself in my bedroom as its the only place that is really "My Space". That I really have too much things in my room. Its all piled in so I don't take over the spare room in the house. It just means that I have plenty of things to fill up my own house. Especially clothes wise. Even my art work is piling up too now. I really want to see what its like on the walls. Guess I will have to wait.

Love:

Well.... its still non-existent. There is someone that I like but I think its more unrequited than anything. Not that I really blame them. I am a strange person and I think it takes a lot to understand me. That I don't think I'm good enough for them. A friend gave me a funny look when I agreed to that part. I really do wish that I didn't have this low self-esteem. I just need to find someone to give me the right boost. But at the same time, I don't think anything will ever happen as I want to leave in March next year (that is if everything goes to plan. I wanted to leave soon but that isn't going to happen).

I would like for things to nicely fit into place, but I will have to see how things go for now. Its a lot of waiting, especially for work. Then there is the factor that I need to decide on what I really want to do. Do I confess or do I keep quiet and watch them be with someone else. So confusing but I honestly don't know what to really do.

HELP ME!!!

TEFL Course

Well I completed the 20 hour weekend TEFL Course!!! Although it was a lot of information given. I think I actually remember most of it. And now, It also means that I have basic teaching qualification in English!!!! I can now apply for jobs in Japan. However, I think I might take the other on-line courses available. The weekend course was great. But I think I need as much help as I can get. I am just glad that I passed the weekend course. Its really worth the money!

I just have to worry about when I actually go to Japan. I was looking at the jobs TEFL England has listed and they said that it would be leaving for Japan between March and July. But something else has come up to get me used to teaching. Someone on the course is actually the Dance teacher at my old High School. And I've been asked to go along and help with the Choreography classes. To help be an extra pair of eyes and help out. Everything is falling into place at long last. Its took its time but its getting there.

Self-Sacrificing Love

I've been watching a lot of Korean movies recently. But I think "Pained" is one of those where I felt I really understood the characters emotion. Now I'm sorry for the spoilers for those who want to see it. But at the end the guy sacrifices himself. I'm not saying that I'm going to do the same right now. But I was reminded of what I'm like when I'm in a relationship. My last relationship probably wasn't what many would consider to be a healthy one. But I'm more of a self-sacrificing type. The other person comes first. I never want to see other's in pain, so I would rather feel the pain instead.

No matter how much I get hit.. How much I bleed... I don't care at all. But when she cries, it feels like my heart's ripping apart. So, Please watch over her. If I have to die for her... I'll die.

self-sacrificing love, Love is such a complicated emotion that I wonder if everyone would sacrifice themselves for the one they really love. Or is just words of comfort? Personally, I have said such words to other's. I know that I lack certain qualities, but I don't like to someone a loved one get hurt. I would take the pain instead. I would rather other's be happy rather than troubled. When I was in my teens, early twenties, I always thought that if I would die, it would be while giving birth to my child. I don't know why I thought that. But I would rather if the situation called for it, that they saved my child rather than myself. So for years, I thought that would be how I died. I can't tell you if that isn't the case, because I'm single and have no chance getting pregnant any time soon.

I don't like to see other's doing what I do. They aren't allowed to keep things bottled up inside. I am not one to listen to their own advise. But I don't want what is troubling me to effect someone else. I tend to deal with all my problems on my own. But it did get pretty bad recently. I started to get really down and got depressed. Thought about suicide and self-harm. I really couldn't take it any more. So I went to get help and had 4 sessions with the Health Care team here on this Island. It helped me get over and try to see things in a different light. The thinking part didn't help, but altering my behaviours did. I just don't want other's to have to do the same. Its hard to see someone upset so I help in any way I can. I have been through difficult situations and I don't want anyone to go through what I've been through.

So whenever I watch a drama or a movie about such story lines, I can't help be moved and understanding. If it means it takes someone's pain anyway, then I would do it. If I get hurt in the process, then at least I'm the one getting hurt and not them. I can never put myself first, its just not in my nature. But I'm also way to insecure to think highly of myself.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to write something.