I'm on the Outside

Staind - Outside

A great song to be played when I feel like I'm the outsider on things. Like I try to sort out future plans, settle down on a place to live with a job. I was speaking to my best friend yesturday and we both agreed to save up a lot of money, and then put a deposit on a house some when next year and get a mortgage. To finally get a place away from my family, which some times annoy me. And be able to support myself on my own for a while. I hate to depend on others. To me, being 22 and living at my parents is close to the worst thing I can. I've been brought up hereand I should have to stay here as an adult. However, I know my fiance will something to say about it.

Apparently decisions get made and changed for the third time this year. I just can't take all of this crap. He knows what I will do if I move there, which is to sell everything I have to get more money to buy things over there. There is no point trying to bring a PC, 22" monitor, Wii, TV, DVD's, CD's and games to the US in my opinion. Why bring things with you that only you appreciate because you brought them and have constant memories of a life you left behind to move to America. A life that you established on your own to create a new life in a country you don't want to live in because of major insecurities.

I've had so many thoughts come into my head and I've come close to making them final. But maybe it is asking too much for my fiance to move to England where its safer to live and less blood shed than in America. I've thought about post-poning the wedding or even calling it off. Its too early to decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together forever, when my fiance keeps deciding he won't get into the UK. He hasn't even tried to visit me again here. Its all down to me moving over there. To visit him over there and to leave everything I have behind because its only going to get nicked or something.

I am just getting a little fed up with being the one who has to do most things in a relationship. My past relationship consisted of me moving backwards and forwards across the south of England to see my boyfriend most of the time. For being the one with the money just because I was on a student loan and had parents who were willing to support me, which my boyfriend at the time abused their kindness. Even when I was around his, he didn't treat me well so I was fool for staying with him for a year.

Now I can't help but wonder if I in the same kind of relationship again. Where I am the one doing most of the sacrificing while my partner doesn't even try to do just as much. I am the weakest person some will ever know when it comes to relationships. But its not like most people actually care. I am just the person people push around just because they can because of my kind and caring personality.

Soon it will time to properly think if things are going to change or I just give in to moving to one place I don't want to live or just stay in my safe zone because its all I know.

Things just turn right around

Just when I thought things were going well. It just all turns on me. I can't take much more of this being pushed around. I was getting all worked up about being able to stay here, then my partner says if he comes here, he won't get in. I've been trying so hard to make sure things work. I've been working loads of shifts and try my best to plan a head. And now its all been a waste of time, its all been for nothing. I've gotten back to studying to be a web designer again. I feel like I've wasted my parents money. I've even planned how things are going to go in my head. And its all be erased as if it was nothing.

Things are totally falling apart and I can't stop it because I'm too torn up inside. I've said in the past, if I move to America, then I will sell all my stuff. I mean EVERYTHING. But when he said he is going to move here, I started to buy things that would better in the long run. Buying a better monitor for my PC and even buying a Wii. I've been saving to go towards buying a house but that idea is useless. In some ways, I feel betrayed and I am not strong enough to cope with anything.

I recently told him I have applied for a full time bar staff job. Maybe that is what kicked it off. So he doesn't have to get money to move here. Its all on my weak head again. The stress I can't handle along with work related stress. I thought I could take what ever life throws at me, but I can't. In the end I am the ant... being crushed on because I am too small.

I really take it any more. I've had enough, I would just prefer to be left alone so I wollow in self-pitty.

Well the wedding has begun its planning stage

Well after finally getting round to talking about our wedding, it feels more kind of set in stone almost. Except the part where my fiance wants to offically ask for my Dad's approval and properally propose. Otherwise, we are most of the way there. Its strange to think i would be here planning. I know when most girls are young, they plan their own wedding, which is something I never did because I always thought I would be alone and I loved being a child too much to think about adult stuff.

So after talking with my fiance, its put my mind into excitement mode. I know who my maid of honour is, and I have an idea of my bridesmaids. So that part was delt with a while ago, its just down to asking them really.

[23:34:04] Sazzy: ok right I was thinking.. for our wedding, would you mind if I served people behind the bar :P
[23:35:28] SolKing2: if you want
[23:36:05] Sazzy: well what you to do at our wedding??
[23:36:20] Sazzy: I know you want use to light saber duel down the aisle
[23:36:39] SolKing2: well I was kidding about that
[23:36:55] Sazzy: awwwww ok well what then?
[23:37:02] Sazzy: I don't want a wedding all about me...
[23:37:59] SolKing2: we could use the lightsabers during the dancing
[23:38:20] Sazzy: ok
[23:38:31] Sazzy: what else?
[23:38:52] Sazzy: what colours should we use?
[23:38:53] SolKing2: idk
[23:39:13] SolKing2: I'm not good at these things
[23:39:15] Sazzy: you want to have dark grey suites
[23:39:23] Sazzy: with red?
[23:39:57] SolKing2: how about black and red
[23:40:23] SolKing2: the suit is black and shirt is black but the tie is red
[23:40:45] Sazzy: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
[23:41:37] Sazzy: what do you think the bridesmaids should wear?
[23:41:54] Sazzy: crimson red is used a lot
[23:42:00] Sazzy: so just bright red?
[23:42:20] Sazzy: with white flowers.. then i have a white dress with red flowers
[23:42:32] SolKing2: thats kool
[23:43:13] Sazzy: ok
[23:45:05] Sazzy: do we have a paige boy and girl?
[23:45:58] Sazzy: or flower girl.. what ever you call them
[23:46:41] SolKing2: well they aren't that necessary
[23:46:55] SolKing2: the bestman holds the rings also
[23:46:59] Sazzy: yeah I just wondered....
[23:47:15] Sazzy: at my aunties wedding.. Andy and I were paige girl and boy
[23:47:28] SolKing2: aww
[23:47:29] Sazzy: we sang " Make me a channel of your peace" during the servise
[23:47:33] SolKing2: little weewah
[23:47:39] Sazzy: service*
[23:48:04] Sazzy: I dunno if you know that hymn
[23:48:11] SolKing2: idk
[23:48:31] SolKing2: well if we can't get anyone for those positions then don't worry
[23:48:54] Sazzy: yeah. I do have cousins with children.. but I dunno
[23:49:05] SolKing2: that can wait
[23:49:08] Sazzy: ok
[23:49:24] Sazzy: shall we use red and white to decorate the church?
[23:49:32] SolKing2: sure
[23:49:39] SolKing2: do you have a church picked out?
[23:49:47] Sazzy: with a black rose in the middle..
[23:49:58] SolKing2: black rose means death
[23:50:10] Sazzy: ooooooo cool
[23:50:15] Sazzy: death to the bride :P
[23:50:18] Sazzy: but anyway..
[23:50:33] SolKing2: aww
[23:50:49] Sazzy: my church is undergoing some reconstruction and should be done by september.. but I dunno about that.
[23:51:35] SolKing2: ok
[23:52:02] Sazzy: or there is another church that is near a town center but I will show you when you get here and you can pick
[23:53:42] SolKing2: ok baby
[23:56:55] Sazzy: ohh one thing... do we want two people give little sermons?
[23:58:01] SolKing2: how about just one so we don't fall asleep
[23:58:22] Sazzy: well I was going to limit them to 8 minutes each
[23:58:23] Sazzy: :P
[23:58:37] Sazzy: but one is ok... save the rest till the speaches right
[23:58:46] SolKing2: well if we have people from my family they throw chairs if you preach to them
[23:59:06] Sazzy: ohhh ok
[23:59:34] SolKing2: yea half my family are christians and the other half fight the christians
[23:59:51] SolKing2: like Manny
[23:59:59] Sazzy: so who will say the sermon?
[00:00:09] Sazzy: or speaj
[00:00:13] Sazzy: speak*
[00:00:32] SolKing2: I don't know but my parents might not go depending on what happens
[00:01:18] Sazzy: will they accept it if i pay for a ticket?
[00:02:12] SolKing2: maybe
[00:02:16] Sazzy: or pay towards them coming
[00:02:27] Sazzy: I can't have your parents missing your wedding
[00:02:51] SolKing2: yea
[00:05:04] Sazzy: ok
[00:05:34] Sazzy: ok do you want a traditional service?
[00:07:26] SolKing2: I guess
[00:08:33] Sazzy: or we can sort out our own order of service..
[00:09:54] SolKing2: whichever i dot mindn'
[00:10:06] Sazzy: I will stop asking questions now
[00:10:17] SolKing2: keep going
[00:10:26] Sazzy: ok...
[00:10:47] Sazzy: would you be ok with having a jazz band play at the reception?
[00:10:57] Sazzy: Simon is in a Jazz band.
[00:11:22] SolKing2: only if they don't sound lame
[00:11:40] Sazzy: well you will hear them rehearse as they rehearse here at home
[00:12:35] Sazzy: I was just thinking about costs of getting a band.. :P
[00:14:19] SolKing2: yea that can be expensive
[00:15:01] Sazzy: what shall be played for our first dance?
[00:15:08] Sazzy: if you want to have a first dance
[00:17:09] SolKing2: hmmmm
[00:18:45] Sazzy: its hard right? or is it just me
[00:19:34] SolKing2: its hard
[00:19:54] Sazzy: I don't want a corny song
[00:22:02] SolKing2: me neither
[00:23:03] Sazzy: we can decide that when you get here I suppose.
[00:23:17] Sazzy: so we can hear a few together etc
[00:24:18] SolKing2: yea
[00:24:44] Sazzy: we can decide invites later too.
[00:24:52] Sazzy: once we get the church sorted..
[00:25:19] Sazzy: and the place for the reception
[00:26:19] SolKing2: yea we have to know how many people can we fit in there
[00:27:28] Sazzy: yeah but really we have to give your family enough notice so they can get time off work and book flights etc.
[00:30:17] SolKing2: yea I know thats why I'll tell everyone the next time I see them
[00:30:28] Sazzy: ok
[00:30:40] Sazzy: so are we aiming for a June wedding?
[00:31:02] SolKing2: yea that gives us 6 months to save and get ready
[00:31:10] Sazzy: ok cool

Really, we still have the big things to sort out, but its better to sort them out together properly then breifly now.

Regrets

Now I am not I am not in any place to sit here and tpye

"I do have regrets on decisions I made, because looking back they just didn't work out"

Because really, I can't change them. I cannot go back into my hazy past and change anything. What happened, happened. Thats life and there is nothing I can do about it. There maybe things in my life that I want to change, but that is just being human. I am sure that many people have wanted to change their past and create a new one. However, the fact is, if we did, who would we really become? We all have decisions to make and to other people, it may not be the right choice, but does that really show who we really are or would it only show how other people inflict theirself on you?

Dictating another person's actions is really controlling others to be like you. If that happens then does the world really need another copy? Should there really be more replicars in the world? The world can't be full of similar people, if it was, then how could other people survive if there no one different and experience different things. We all need to have our individuality not be a copy of another person.

If your reading this, your probably thinking "oh well, just what the world needs.. a crazy person" or what have you. But really think about it. Really look into human society and see how although we are all different, the world seems to work better than to just clones of someone. I've been thinking about it recently and to be completely honest, I would hate to see someone who is a replicar of me. I would end up killing it because I can't stand seeing someone go throught the exact same thing as me, and live my life as their own life. I would hate to have someone go through my life and repeat my mistakes. I know I can't really stop someone from doing so but I can at least try to prevent it happening the same way right?

I am greatful I went through all the crap I did go through. As if I didn't go through it, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I've talked to my boyfriend about this and he says the same thing. Life gives us obstacles to overcome. If we didn't go through what we went through then we wouldn't be as strong as we are today. We all have to get through some thing tough in ourlives. But its life, deal with it. We get a chance to experience life so do what you want to do, react how you want to react and so say things you want to say. You can't go back and change anything, so don't bother trying to do so. It will only make matters worse, and ruin the life you have as it will make more regrets. Life is precious no matter who you are, so do what you want, not what someone else wants you to do.

Hard times

Recently, things have been a little hectic with so much going on recently. Maybe I am trying to juggle too much in one go but I really don't know how else to do it. I've had work pick up again and I've been called in for shifts most of the week, but there is only so much running around being a servant for people who are more experienced. I am a dancer/Choreographer not a waitress. My whole life has been about dancing and to really perform ballet and contemporary. Yet I haven't done that in almost a year and I don't know where else to go to make sure I don't loose my youthful enthusiasm of dancing. I would really love to do hold certain classes to get people to come. Its just getting the time and travel arrangements sorted.

So while I miss dancing so much and not having any classes for people like me, but I am trying to find time to study to be a web designer while dealing with a job I don't like doing till I can hand in my notice and get a 9-5 job as a web designer. Its just there isn't much time in the day to do studying, working and putting the skills to some practice.

I know I told my partner that when I move in with him, I will be saying good bye to my dancing career, which I will probably regret but dancing doesn't hold a stable income to put enough food on the table day after day. Especially, as a choreographer, its even harder to try to find space to choreograph and then find venues that will let you perform there.

I am torn between two sides, one side is where I get a stable career that will help bring food and a place to live or sit around wondering what to do but not really moving any where because your too scared of drowning. I am still confused and I keep getting confused too easily. Even my partner keeps bringing up things that really hit home and I just end up going quiet because I don't know how to act or reply. Its either sit there and acknowledge that my partner thinks I should get stronger but experiencing the toughness of life. Which I don't think I can do, I am someone that has a lot of habbits with worrying being one of them and I don't know what really to do because I don't want to offend him but how can I just drop being in an almost stable part of life when I move out of my parents and start earning my own money.

To dropping everything just so I can experience what life is like the way he has experienced life. I do love him but asking to just drop everything so I can learn to have a carefree life where money isn't important as long as you have a loved on, is something I can't comprehend in my mind. All I see is myself going crazy with worrying and ending up in a mental institution. I have always worried about many things in life. Its just something that do and if I don't worry then things just won't work out. If I can't worry and bring things to my attention then how I am going to be on top of things and know what is going and what isn't going on because I have a carefree attitude where I don't know if I am coming or going.

I have my PSP back!

Well after not having a PSP for almost a month because I bricked it.. just by changing the skin. I finally hacked it again using Pandora magic stick and soft hacking the battery to get it work again. But at least it is back up and running and I get back to play Disgaea. Which I am only level 25 after playing 60 hours... I am a total noob what can I say.

Well at least now I have something to take me away from the computer for a while rather than sitting my desk chair all day.

Why is it?

Why is it that when people say "You can talk to me any time you want". Yet when you want to talk them about something that is really getting you down, you can't find them. Its either that or if they are around, you can't feel like you can talk to them. For me, it is either because I don't want to alter their mood or it is because I don't know how to really word what I am really feeling. I can't explain things well and I really do try to keep it simple but when I do that, it still won't make any difference. I can pour my heart out only for someone to just say "its ok". I mean come one, I've actually opened up to you and all you can say is "its ok". Its obvious not ok if I am sat here, almost crying my eyes out and asking for help.

It would really be nice for once, for someone to not just say those two words, but to carry on with the bloody sentence. If someone is asking for help, then for goodness sake, give it to them and really be supportive.

I've tried countless times to go to someone for help. Which is rather rare for me. So for me to ask someone to listen to me, is a big thing yet when I do, all I seem to do is just talk about things. I hardly get advise or even good advise. I am just left there hanging on by a thread till it just breaks and I am left on the ground in pieces.