Self-Sacrificing Love

I've been watching a lot of Korean movies recently. But I think "Pained" is one of those where I felt I really understood the characters emotion. Now I'm sorry for the spoilers for those who want to see it. But at the end the guy sacrifices himself. I'm not saying that I'm going to do the same right now. But I was reminded of what I'm like when I'm in a relationship. My last relationship probably wasn't what many would consider to be a healthy one. But I'm more of a self-sacrificing type. The other person comes first. I never want to see other's in pain, so I would rather feel the pain instead.

No matter how much I get hit.. How much I bleed... I don't care at all. But when she cries, it feels like my heart's ripping apart. So, Please watch over her. If I have to die for her... I'll die.

self-sacrificing love, Love is such a complicated emotion that I wonder if everyone would sacrifice themselves for the one they really love. Or is just words of comfort? Personally, I have said such words to other's. I know that I lack certain qualities, but I don't like to someone a loved one get hurt. I would take the pain instead. I would rather other's be happy rather than troubled. When I was in my teens, early twenties, I always thought that if I would die, it would be while giving birth to my child. I don't know why I thought that. But I would rather if the situation called for it, that they saved my child rather than myself. So for years, I thought that would be how I died. I can't tell you if that isn't the case, because I'm single and have no chance getting pregnant any time soon.

I don't like to see other's doing what I do. They aren't allowed to keep things bottled up inside. I am not one to listen to their own advise. But I don't want what is troubling me to effect someone else. I tend to deal with all my problems on my own. But it did get pretty bad recently. I started to get really down and got depressed. Thought about suicide and self-harm. I really couldn't take it any more. So I went to get help and had 4 sessions with the Health Care team here on this Island. It helped me get over and try to see things in a different light. The thinking part didn't help, but altering my behaviours did. I just don't want other's to have to do the same. Its hard to see someone upset so I help in any way I can. I have been through difficult situations and I don't want anyone to go through what I've been through.

So whenever I watch a drama or a movie about such story lines, I can't help be moved and understanding. If it means it takes someone's pain anyway, then I would do it. If I get hurt in the process, then at least I'm the one getting hurt and not them. I can never put myself first, its just not in my nature. But I'm also way to insecure to think highly of myself.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to write something.