One Big Step

 

I finally took one big step today. Although, I did the cowardly thing and didn't give it to him directly, but I put in his shoe locker instead. But I am still embarrassed that I actually did something like this. I've been so long out of the dating game, that even the Japanese way of courting is confusing. But thank goodness for Shoujo manga lol Now I just have to wait. At least, I hope he noticed this bag inside... but if he didn't, then he had better find it tomorrow >.<

I am still going round in circles about if its really okay to pursue someone who works at the same school as you. But we don't actually work together or even sit together in the staff room. So that's a positive thing. Its just I don't want fellow staff members to think poorly of me for it either. I just like him for who he is and I have no hidden agenda.

However, how can anyone not like this guy for who he is? His way of say hello is adorable because he is a shy guy. But on Monday, he was shovelling the snow (yeah I looked at ass at some point or another.. well if he would have his back to me, what else am I meant to do :P ). He was standing under the porch roof, about to move more snow when a large pile of snow falls directly in front of him. So he turns round to see if anyone saw as well, and it just so happened to me. So he does this kind of "kyaaaaa" face and I can't help but laugh, but I am also trying to think of something to say in Japanese, but all the words escape my mind and I carry on laughing. I think I was the only one who saw so it was our little moment.

I think people who are smart enough must have caught on that I like him. I think I smile to him more than anyone else and I tend to look around the room more to see if he is there.

Except for today. The only reason I was able to sneak his chocolates into his shoe locker was because there was a meeting at 2pm and there wasn't any students around. So I put it in when no one was around. After that, I kept my head down went back to writing notes on a book I've been reading for almost a year now about planning lessons and classes. This is solely for my Eikaiwa's (English conversation classes). I know Interac. has their way of teaching so I follow their guidelines for school lessons.

Now its a waiting game to see if he actually contacts me. I am really thankful for my friends who helped me write in a card. It was only a little message in Japanese. So I hope he understands.

Fingers crossed people!

It's Vast Approaching

Valentine's Day is vast approaching. I bought these chocolates for the guy I like today. Although, for a an hour or so I've been wondering if I made the right choice. What if he has a nut allergy or something. I don't want him to end up in hospital or anything. I don't think I've ever thought so much about Valentine's day as much as I have this year. I know it might have something to do with being in a different country and going by what they do. But still, even though I dated in the past, I never really gave anyone a present because I wanted to tell them I really like them. I just want things to work out as this has slowly been progressing over 9/10 months. I think I had another clue this week that he likes me. On Thursday, I decided to wear a hat to work because my ears would still get really cold when standing outside for 35mins to greet the students in the morning. Then one of the Diving teachers said he liked my hat and I had "nice sense", which I am guessing he meant it looked good. Now the two other teachers were laughing a little at his simple English. Then the embarrassing moment when along comes Mr. Sexy, he says his usually "Goodo Mornigu". But then he stands still about a meter in front of me, does his smile with a nod. I think I then smile way too much to see him stand still for a moment before he embarrassingly carries on walking into school. But as he walks past the other teachers, the one who said he liked my outfit, I think tries to get him to say the same. Then the other teacher's join in. It was like they are ganging up on him to say something about how I look. So I nervously look in their direction to see him looking at me. He sadly (yet also cute too) scurries away into the building. Now I was embarrassed at the time too, but I keep waiting for him to say something. I don't want to push him, but he really needs to speak up soon! I just hope that these chocolates are the key. I have figured out how to give him the chocolates.. I found that his shoe locker is near mine! Well, thats if I have recognized the Kanji for his name correctly. But that means its easier to slip it in when I have a free lesson on Thursday as I don't go to the school on a Friday, so he will get the chocolates a day early. All that is left to do now, is figure out how to write the message. I was thinking something like:

ハッピーバレンタイン！ あなたが、好きです。

That is as far as I get. It looks so lame to write just that. Yet, what else do I say? "彼氏ください。" (Please be my boyfriend).... Thinking of what to write is almost as bad as what chocolates to get T__T

HELP!!!

An Update

Well its been a long time since I posted, so here is an update so far about my life and what is new. I'm sorry if it is a little boring, but please bare with me and I hope it all becomes clear towards the end.

TEFL:

I passed the 20-Hour Weekend course. It was a little nerve wreaking at first, but after the ice breakers we all relaxed and really enjoyed ourselves. I was surprised to find out that I was the only one on the course who wants to go to Japan to teach. Most wanted to go to Thailand or to Brazil or Spain. It works out better for me as I don't have many going for jobs there.

Interac Japan:

I finished my application for a position there last week. I am only waiting back for a reply to a question I sent last Thursday with regards to a query about References. Hopefully, I should hear back from them soon, so I can fully completely my application and get to the next stage that is the phone interview.

Art:

Well I persevered and made a painting on A4 using water colour and drawing Ink. But then I painted a bigger version on a canvas I got for my birthday this year. It might not sound like much but I really wanted to experiment using Ink in my work. I think it all turned out really well: http://sazzy-bu.deviantart.com/art/Sweet-Breeze-Canvas-328949022

I have also added some more images to my Society 6 profile. I have had a few people promote my work so far, however, I've yet to have anyone buy a piece. But my work is still progressing, so I'm not that surprised. http://society6.com/SazzyBu

House:

Well the work is currently on hold till we get an electrician in to certify all the wiring. Only then will I will be happy fully finishing the decorating. But the water and gas isn't connected at all. I am hoping to moving in before Christmas. I really need to get out of my parents house and live on my own. I've been too dependent for far too long now. I need to get back on my feet rather than secluding myself in my bedroom as its the only place that is really "My Space". That I really have too much things in my room. Its all piled in so I don't take over the spare room in the house. It just means that I have plenty of things to fill up my own house. Especially clothes wise. Even my art work is piling up too now. I really want to see what its like on the walls. Guess I will have to wait.

Love:

Well.... its still non-existent. There is someone that I like but I think its more unrequited than anything. Not that I really blame them. I am a strange person and I think it takes a lot to understand me. That I don't think I'm good enough for them. A friend gave me a funny look when I agreed to that part. I really do wish that I didn't have this low self-esteem. I just need to find someone to give me the right boost. But at the same time, I don't think anything will ever happen as I want to leave in March next year (that is if everything goes to plan. I wanted to leave soon but that isn't going to happen).

I would like for things to nicely fit into place, but I will have to see how things go for now. Its a lot of waiting, especially for work. Then there is the factor that I need to decide on what I really want to do. Do I confess or do I keep quiet and watch them be with someone else. So confusing but I honestly don't know what to really do.

HELP ME!!!

Self-Sacrificing Love

I've been watching a lot of Korean movies recently. But I think "Pained" is one of those where I felt I really understood the characters emotion. Now I'm sorry for the spoilers for those who want to see it. But at the end the guy sacrifices himself. I'm not saying that I'm going to do the same right now. But I was reminded of what I'm like when I'm in a relationship. My last relationship probably wasn't what many would consider to be a healthy one. But I'm more of a self-sacrificing type. The other person comes first. I never want to see other's in pain, so I would rather feel the pain instead.

No matter how much I get hit.. How much I bleed... I don't care at all. But when she cries, it feels like my heart's ripping apart. So, Please watch over her. If I have to die for her... I'll die.

self-sacrificing love, Love is such a complicated emotion that I wonder if everyone would sacrifice themselves for the one they really love. Or is just words of comfort? Personally, I have said such words to other's. I know that I lack certain qualities, but I don't like to someone a loved one get hurt. I would take the pain instead. I would rather other's be happy rather than troubled. When I was in my teens, early twenties, I always thought that if I would die, it would be while giving birth to my child. I don't know why I thought that. But I would rather if the situation called for it, that they saved my child rather than myself. So for years, I thought that would be how I died. I can't tell you if that isn't the case, because I'm single and have no chance getting pregnant any time soon.

I don't like to see other's doing what I do. They aren't allowed to keep things bottled up inside. I am not one to listen to their own advise. But I don't want what is troubling me to effect someone else. I tend to deal with all my problems on my own. But it did get pretty bad recently. I started to get really down and got depressed. Thought about suicide and self-harm. I really couldn't take it any more. So I went to get help and had 4 sessions with the Health Care team here on this Island. It helped me get over and try to see things in a different light. The thinking part didn't help, but altering my behaviours did. I just don't want other's to have to do the same. Its hard to see someone upset so I help in any way I can. I have been through difficult situations and I don't want anyone to go through what I've been through.

So whenever I watch a drama or a movie about such story lines, I can't help be moved and understanding. If it means it takes someone's pain anyway, then I would do it. If I get hurt in the process, then at least I'm the one getting hurt and not them. I can never put myself first, its just not in my nature. But I'm also way to insecure to think highly of myself.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to write something.