I always wondered why I say I understand things when I really I don't. I mean its like I view myself saying something from a third person perspective. Most of the time I even wonder what I am doing as most things just don't make sense. Of course I can say one thing when really its not what I am really thinking or feeling. Like say one thing but really you mean another. I think its called sub context or a riddle.
Like when I say I am a bit better could be a lie and really I am still crying after an hour of talking because the talking might not be enough. Or saying saying nothing is bothering when really something is eating away at me from the inside and I don't know what to do about it. I am someone who wants others to be happy so to do that I cover up how I really feel so they won't suspect anything and effect how they are feeling. Now for some, they might see its just a charade and try to get me to open up but really I know there is more to it but I never want to talk about things. Yes to say "Sazzy you should bottle it all up" or "Sazzy you should really talk about it" because really that will mostly go in one ear and out the other. I've heard that phrase so many times then I just don't listen to it. I have my own way of dealing with my problems and so far, for the past 22 years its done well so far. Of course people still ask, why are you so negative. But there is a good reason and the list time I told someone about that reason they used it against me and treated me like shit that made me cry every day for 9 months.
Yeah I am stupid and not really one to talk about dealing with things but I won't ever change what I do because last time I changed something small about me, that shit happened. So I refuse to let history repeat itself. Ok I've opened up to Eddie a bit more but even now I don't know how long I can last before I start cracking from the pressure of others trying to get me to talk too. I break under pressure so much but I just hide it by appearing like a zombie and wonder around in a daze. I can't even think what it is like to sort things out head on because I am too much of a coward to face up to things. As Ed put it...
[quote][00:59] solking429: I jsut wish you would open up instead of push me away
[01:00] solking429: say something then think the worst and run away[/quote]
Why would some one say that and not just walk away from the problematic person? Why stand by someone who causes so much pain? Surly the bad out weighs the good so why stay? I am only a defenseless old cow, who doesn't value her own life above others. Who tries not to appear selfish but fails.
I for instance. Just saying I would commit suicide then live a lonely life had Eddie and Fireandice try to talk me out of it. If I really do cause a lot of trouble then why still want me to live if I feel I can't live alone? Yes I will go to hell for committing suicide but aren't I already going there? I felt alone so many times so to lose the one love of my life just won't make life worth living in my eyes.
Yes I am a negative person so don't try and change me or you will end up loosing me as a friend.
