Recently, there have been instances where it has came to my attention that maybe I am not the type of person who I thought I was. I always thought that if I helped out my friends everything would be great. I never asked for anything in return except for their happiness in life. I am happy with dealing with my own problems and working through them myself, so I was never a burden to anyone. I never wanted others to be worried about me or feel sad because of me. I have managed to do well on my own this far. Hiding my pain was something I tried so hard to do and I did pretty well at it. Just locking myself in my room and dealing with it in my own was fine and I wouldn't ask for anything else.
Yet, when I was dating my Ex, he really pushed me overboard. I suppose I've never really talked much about things or about anything that bothered personally till him. I really tried my best to just lock my problems in myself and not have anyone poke at them and make it worse. Yet that was all he did. He would try to blackmail me into telling him my past. In telling him what had been apparently bugging me for a while. He literally toyed with my emotions for the whole evening and night. He would sit there and watch me cry my heart out as I just wanted to be left alone. I suppose it was his way of torturing me till he got what he wanted.
Of course, he did in the end in the early hours of the morning. I cried so much that I really did want to run away from him. I don't even know why I didn't. But I just stayed there and cried as all he said "you need to deal with it". He wasn't comforting at all. He didn't even seem to notice what it was doing to me at all. He only seemed to care about himself that he way of doing things was the right and only way. From that moment on, he would still bring up that night to blackmail into staying. It wasn't till he dumped me that I felt free, free from the troubled times where I wanted to commit suicide because I couldn't things any more.
I guess this is one of the biggest reasons why I shut myself away when people ask me whats wrong or even try to compliment me. Its a major trust issue that I'm reluctent to over come. I never want to feel that way again but I can't be sure that it won't either. There is never a sure way things will be ok anyway even as this experience hovers over my head. I still feel that my problems are either too minute to worry about or that will turn people against me. There is no way I can tell and I don't think I can ever bring myself to even pluck up the courage to do so. As much as I want to help other's, it seems that when people get close to me, they end up hurting.
Is my personality really that distructive that even though people really care about me, they still get hurt because of me. Maybe a life of solitude is something that I am destined to have. To live away from people so they don't get hurt but really get the thing I've tried to hard to do but not letting them get to know me. If people only get hurt then why should I let them get to know me? Why?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Just my thoughts, that is all
Why is it that one's troubles always conclude to a flaw within one's very self? I know that mankind is not perfect in any way. But does fighting with one's self really enable us to go beyond the obstacle and become the strongest person we can be?
I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can't fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.
As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can't be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don't know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can't even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.
Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don't know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don't know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.
One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn't want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can't accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can't accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say "The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it". But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don't seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.
As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I'm not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.
The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.
I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can't fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.
As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can't be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don't know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can't even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.
Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don't know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don't know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.
One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn't want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can't accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can't accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say "The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it". But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don't seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.
As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I'm not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.
The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.
Just my thoughts, that is all
Why is it that one's troubles always conclude to a flaw within one's very self? I know that mankind is not perfect in any way. But does fighting with one's self really enable us to go beyond the obstacle and become the strongest person we can be?
I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can't fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.
As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can't be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don't know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can't even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.
Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don't know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don't know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.
One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn't want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can't accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can't accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say "The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it". But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don't seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.
As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I'm not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.
The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.
I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can't fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.
As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can't be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don't know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can't even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.
Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don't know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don't know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.
One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn't want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can't accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can't accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say "The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it". But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don't seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.
As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I'm not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.
The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.
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