I am going to Japan!!

Oh yes people, I am going to Japan! I will be leaving in March to start work in April. I really couldn't believe what I was reading when I got an email from the Recruitment office in Japan offering me a job. I really did think that I didn't do well in the demo lessons that they wouldn't offer me any placement at all. However, my friends kept telling me to believe and have more confidence in myself. I have tried for a similar position in Japan via the JET programme but I didn't even get to the interview stage. Now that I have a TEFL qualification and have applied for work via one of the biggest companies who send ALTs to Japan, I have been more successful. One thing I am most unsure of, is my level of Japanese. I've tried my best to study the language myself. Yet when I had to introduce myself in Japanese for the presentation part of my interview.. I so hope it was good enough for them to understand. I have never spoken to anyone who is Japanese in Japanese before. So I wasn't sure of what level my understanding actually is, so I went for Beginner as it is true in some ways.

The most exciting part now is beginning. I have to sent the last three forms of my application to Japan before the 10th January. Then I have to apply for the Certificate of Eligibility and apply for my visa before arriving in Japan. Once the CoE is completed, then my placement will be confirmed. Hopefully then I will find out where about in Japan I will be placed. I am not too fussy as to where I want to go. To me, as long as I get to experience life in Japan and do my best at my job then I will not mind at all. Its going to be a fresh new start for me where I can finally relax and become stronger in myself.

This past year has been the most difficult year of all. From hitting the lowest of the lows in life and doing things that I never thought I would do. To actually taking that jump, getting a qualification and being offered in a job that is my dream job really. I have always wanted to be a teacher from a young age because I want to help children learn more about the world and help them out in any way I can. Its amazing to watch a child grown and mature. Plus they can be so unpredictable that it makes life more entertaining.

So wish me luck for the future and please still contact me when I am there. I will miss my closest friends and family above all. So please don't forget me!!

Nothing is worse than

Its so strange that after being single for a year and a half now, I am so confused over how guys think. Nothing is worse than being confused like this. I thought that growing up with only two brothers would be a good thing. At least I might be able to understand. But its totally not the case. Its probably just it worse as I still don't fully understand my brothers.

I do know that I have a tendency to over think things. Plus I was just looking online about stopping over thinking.. and the first step is:

Avoid situations and people that can lead to overthinking. You can do this based on history – you can probably determine which situations are going to keep you up at night unnecessarily. Or do this based on how something makes you feel prior to participating. This takes some self-awareness, but it isn’t unlike what an alcoholic has to do in order to stay sober. They avoid the people, places, and things that put them into that mental state.

"They avoid the people... that put them into that mental state". Maybe it might help to stay away from the person I like. Probably a good thing. Nothing is ever going to become of liking them anyway. I am sure that I have have the aura that scares men into thinking that I will be a horrible girlfriend. So they want to stay friends. I used to always think that I would always be alone. At least when I was thinking that, I was happier compared to now. It must have done me some good. If I do give off said aura, then it would be nice to know. A friend told me I am an amazing person etc.. but I really don't see it. But if any one tells me that they attracted to me because of my personality not for my looks one more time. I will seriously kick them in the nuts. People think its great to be attracted on what is on the inside. But in all honesty, people want to hear they are beautiful by the person they like. I've never had someone like me because I'm pretty (still can't used to saying that about me), so what reason do I have to believe that I am. My friends are different of course. It would just be nice to have someone to help boost my confidence a bit more rather than destroy it.

Anyway... Why do men confuse me? When I think that I am getting to know someone really well and it could progress even more, they drop the "its not you, its me" line. The fake line that really pisses me off. The line that really means "Its because I am really not attracted you as your not attractive enough but I will try to let you down gently". The line that should never have come into existence!  Yes, people try to do the right thing, but doing the absolute wrong thing. Never should anyone use this line if you wish to remain friends either. It makes a person feel like they back-up-, back-up, last resort back-up. If you are really going to toy with a person's feeling, then you may try to use this line. But be warned that you always been perceived as the ass-hole who used 'that line' with the added bonus of being kicked where if freaking hurts!

Also, I am really not liking the "FRIENDZONE" tactic either. The zone that I have been put in most of my life. This zone is getting a little boring. Its also the reason why I am really hating Men right now. Rejection is a bitch with being  FRIENDZONED as its whore of a cousin. Why do people bother with this zone?? Again, its toying with someone's emotions and its a bastard! "I don't see you in that/I am not looking for a relationship right now, so can we just be good friends?!" The rhetorical question that really puts the knife in someone's heart. The question that instantly makes me think of Juliet when she sees Romeo dead laying next to her and her only hope is to commit suicide. That happy dagger that would really be the icing on the cake and would also be a better way to knock someone down when they are already down. You may seem like your letting someone down gently... when you really just killed them inside and stepped them even further onto the road of depression. Seriously, do people not even think about this when they FRIENDZONE someone?????

I think those two lines are the lines I dread to hear the most. I really don't want to hear them because you know that only go together, if you hear one, then the other is only just round the corner. It then seals your fate of a doomed existence. Instead, I just say "Don't worry about it" or "It doesn't matter" I would rather stop you than have to hear those two lines one more freaking time! Its just confusing when you try to reject us by staying friends and give us hope that something might happen in the future.

So please guy's, try to just at least do something right and don't use these lines!! You are not really doing anyone any favours if you do!

An Update

Well its been a long time since I posted, so here is an update so far about my life and what is new. I'm sorry if it is a little boring, but please bare with me and I hope it all becomes clear towards the end.

TEFL:

I passed the 20-Hour Weekend course. It was a little nerve wreaking at first, but after the ice breakers we all relaxed and really enjoyed ourselves. I was surprised to find out that I was the only one on the course who wants to go to Japan to teach. Most wanted to go to Thailand or to Brazil or Spain. It works out better for me as I don't have many going for jobs there.

Interac Japan:

I finished my application for a position there last week. I am only waiting back for a reply to a question I sent last Thursday with regards to a query about References. Hopefully, I should hear back from them soon, so I can fully completely my application and get to the next stage that is the phone interview.

Art:

Well I persevered and made a painting on A4 using water colour and drawing Ink. But then I painted a bigger version on a canvas I got for my birthday this year. It might not sound like much but I really wanted to experiment using Ink in my work. I think it all turned out really well: http://sazzy-bu.deviantart.com/art/Sweet-Breeze-Canvas-328949022

I have also added some more images to my Society 6 profile. I have had a few people promote my work so far, however, I've yet to have anyone buy a piece. But my work is still progressing, so I'm not that surprised. http://society6.com/SazzyBu

House:

Well the work is currently on hold till we get an electrician in to certify all the wiring. Only then will I will be happy fully finishing the decorating. But the water and gas isn't connected at all. I am hoping to moving in before Christmas. I really need to get out of my parents house and live on my own. I've been too dependent for far too long now. I need to get back on my feet rather than secluding myself in my bedroom as its the only place that is really "My Space". That I really have too much things in my room. Its all piled in so I don't take over the spare room in the house. It just means that I have plenty of things to fill up my own house. Especially clothes wise. Even my art work is piling up too now. I really want to see what its like on the walls. Guess I will have to wait.

Love:

Well.... its still non-existent. There is someone that I like but I think its more unrequited than anything. Not that I really blame them. I am a strange person and I think it takes a lot to understand me. That I don't think I'm good enough for them. A friend gave me a funny look when I agreed to that part. I really do wish that I didn't have this low self-esteem. I just need to find someone to give me the right boost. But at the same time, I don't think anything will ever happen as I want to leave in March next year (that is if everything goes to plan. I wanted to leave soon but that isn't going to happen).

I would like for things to nicely fit into place, but I will have to see how things go for now. Its a lot of waiting, especially for work. Then there is the factor that I need to decide on what I really want to do. Do I confess or do I keep quiet and watch them be with someone else. So confusing but I honestly don't know what to really do.

HELP ME!!!

TEFL Course

Well I completed the 20 hour weekend TEFL Course!!! Although it was a lot of information given. I think I actually remember most of it. And now, It also means that I have basic teaching qualification in English!!!! I can now apply for jobs in Japan. However, I think I might take the other on-line courses available. The weekend course was great. But I think I need as much help as I can get. I am just glad that I passed the weekend course. Its really worth the money!

I just have to worry about when I actually go to Japan. I was looking at the jobs TEFL England has listed and they said that it would be leaving for Japan between March and July. But something else has come up to get me used to teaching. Someone on the course is actually the Dance teacher at my old High School. And I've been asked to go along and help with the Choreography classes. To help be an extra pair of eyes and help out. Everything is falling into place at long last. Its took its time but its getting there.

Bitch please.. I don't care!

I AM A GOTH AND PROUD OF IT!!! No matter how hard you can try and give me a mouthful about why I dress the way I do but it won't mean jack to me. You can't try and change me so don't bother. I love black, I love wearing black and I love listening to music that is played by true musicians!

Yes I also like to listen to Korean and Japanese music. I love the culture and the music. At least I've tried to learn a language and admire how they respect each other. That's more than I can say about the dumb pricks in British society who don't know how to behave around other people. They only give a shit about themselves. How about actually learning how to respect other people and take note of your actions?!

I know I'm not perfect but at least I'm not a dick to everyone else. You either like me or you hate me. Just don't bitch about me behind my back. Because I'm strong enough to confront you and ask you what you don't like about me. Not that it influence my actions to suit you. I've had enough of that shit. Done that for the past 26 years of me life. Not going to do it any more.

Self-Sacrificing Love

I've been watching a lot of Korean movies recently. But I think "Pained" is one of those where I felt I really understood the characters emotion. Now I'm sorry for the spoilers for those who want to see it. But at the end the guy sacrifices himself. I'm not saying that I'm going to do the same right now. But I was reminded of what I'm like when I'm in a relationship. My last relationship probably wasn't what many would consider to be a healthy one. But I'm more of a self-sacrificing type. The other person comes first. I never want to see other's in pain, so I would rather feel the pain instead.

No matter how much I get hit.. How much I bleed... I don't care at all. But when she cries, it feels like my heart's ripping apart. So, Please watch over her. If I have to die for her... I'll die.

self-sacrificing love, Love is such a complicated emotion that I wonder if everyone would sacrifice themselves for the one they really love. Or is just words of comfort? Personally, I have said such words to other's. I know that I lack certain qualities, but I don't like to someone a loved one get hurt. I would take the pain instead. I would rather other's be happy rather than troubled. When I was in my teens, early twenties, I always thought that if I would die, it would be while giving birth to my child. I don't know why I thought that. But I would rather if the situation called for it, that they saved my child rather than myself. So for years, I thought that would be how I died. I can't tell you if that isn't the case, because I'm single and have no chance getting pregnant any time soon.

I don't like to see other's doing what I do. They aren't allowed to keep things bottled up inside. I am not one to listen to their own advise. But I don't want what is troubling me to effect someone else. I tend to deal with all my problems on my own. But it did get pretty bad recently. I started to get really down and got depressed. Thought about suicide and self-harm. I really couldn't take it any more. So I went to get help and had 4 sessions with the Health Care team here on this Island. It helped me get over and try to see things in a different light. The thinking part didn't help, but altering my behaviours did. I just don't want other's to have to do the same. Its hard to see someone upset so I help in any way I can. I have been through difficult situations and I don't want anyone to go through what I've been through.

So whenever I watch a drama or a movie about such story lines, I can't help be moved and understanding. If it means it takes someone's pain anyway, then I would do it. If I get hurt in the process, then at least I'm the one getting hurt and not them. I can never put myself first, its just not in my nature. But I'm also way to insecure to think highly of myself.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to write something.

TEFL Course Booked

Well compared to last entry, things are going well. For the time being at least.

I have one more week to go till its my Counselling Assessment. I am a little nervous about it to be honest. The last time I was very depressed and close to committing suicide, I never actually asked for any help. I was so confused and helpless. So I am worried that there is some unresolved issues that will be dealt with that I don't really want to face again. Its in the past and that is where it belongs. But on the other hand. If it makes me better then I guess its worth it. As long as they don't stop me from going to Japan, then I don't really mind.

As you can guess from the title, I've booked myself in the two day TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) course. I found a job listed on the TEFL site for a placement in Japan for 12/13 months working as an English Teaching Assistant in any prefecture in Japan. I told about 3 people at work, and they all supported me and said I should go for it. So When I got home, I did. Although its in August and its two days at Southampton. If it gives me a TEFL qualification, then I'm all for it. Then I can apply for a placement in Japan on the last day with my Tutor's help.

It will be strange leaving England behind for a full year, but as someone said to me "What have you got to lose? Surely it's better to try it and perhaps not like it than to spend your while life regretting not doing it. Be confident young lady." Although my mother and younger brother disapproves. I still want to go. It might even help me get into teaching, which is something I've been interested in doing but I don't think I'm a good enough to be a dance teacher. So why not teach a subject that I know. Although I'm really not that great at English. I'm better than some.

So if you live in Japan and I have you as a friend, then if your interested in meeting up, LET ME KNOW!!!

On another note;
To help boost my confidence a little. I finally got my hair coloured and cut!! I'm totally loving it right now! [link]

Art Work Sucks!

I've been trying to work with water colour recently, and now I know what I find it hard to work with. I SUCK AT IT!!!!! I've tried varies things. Like a Stargazer Lily, portraits and another eye piece. But I'm totally not happy with them. They start off well, but then I end up ruining them. They really aren't even worthy of posting on DA. I guess I should stick to Gouache Paints and drawing still life. Just about the only good thing I'm good at.

If I ever change my mind about uploading them, then be warned.... THEY SUCK!

I'm really not doing well recently. Work has gotten me so stressed that I went to the doctors and had a rather long chat. I have my assessment next month to see how bad my mental health actually is. Although I haven't told my parents yet. So I'm sure they are going to get a shock when I keep leaving the house for meetings. But I've never been "well" for a while. So this is definitely a good thing. A chance to finally get better with the proper help rather than trying to deal with it alone.

Plans For The Summer

Well apart from getting my house ready for me to live in, I'm thinking of making one of my rooms into my Art Studio!!! My parents house has a Music room (not a small one either) and I have a room in my house that can be an office or a studio. So an Art studio it is!! I might as well make the most of the room as I'm always drawing when I'm not at my part-time job. I doubt anyone would really buy my paintings. Although some people have told me that I should sell some. At least its worth a try right?!

I actually now can't wait for my studio to be done. Strange how one comment from a friend can give you a nudge into following it through.

I dunno about selling my work online, I've made prints available here on Deviant Art. But nothing has really come out of it. But I'm not gonna let it get me down. I have to just keep drawing. I might start to experiment with colours more in my paintings/sketches. Something that is a bit more vibrant. But will have to see where the creativity takes me.


I honestly don't know how I'm going to go about getting my work seen but I hope something will come up. I've been told to go to the local library and see if they would know about something. Otherwise, I think it will be through word of mouth.

Artistic Skills

I think its about time to admit that I'm really not getting any where drawing portraits in RL style or manga/anime....

I'm think I should stick to painting still life on canvases. I was thinking yesterday that I might actually try to sell some of my paintings this late spring. Not that they are really going to sell, but any bit of extra money will be good. I've already got a few idea's of what I can draw... its just getting a decent sized canvas, which does cost a fair bit of money... Thinking of selling some paintings for about £20-£30 to start off with depending on the size.