Annoying Colleagues

Ok I know I've been annoyed with my colleagues in the past, but recently, the guy who works at the bar, Ivor, is really testing my patience.  He is only still working there because he has to a pay a mortgage, which really is a shit excuse "I'm sorry, I can't leave because I have a mortgage to pay!" I am sorry but I don't think I can take his crap any more. I was getting annoyed yesturday with his horrible carol singing in my ear as I try to sing. Even I can sing better than him, many people have told me I have a lovely singing voice but I don't think I do untill now. I could have punched in the stomach to wind him so he would shut the hell up. I tried looking for my own copy of the carols but I didn't find any spare.

But today, OMG I could have walked out with the way he treated me. I was working on the Restaurant, with my dear friend Ritch. We are more than capable of working the restaurant as we are the longest members of waiting staff. HOWEVER, Ivor decides to go into "manager" mode and start telling us to do our work. I am sorry, but he know how we do things in the restaurant? We had everything under control. Seriously, Ritch and I are a great team but Ivor goes and knocks me off balance and makes me angry. First off he tells me "When" I need to clear a table. I have my own eye's, I can see when they are all finished. I am not a fucking dumbass you is blind. I've looked after the restaurant on my own many times and I've had no problem. I was even told that for the lunch time shift, he was sent home early because of his attitude.

Later on, Ivor decides to go and refil the gravy boat from a table, and he comes out from the kitchen saying "You should have done this". I turn round and said to him " then you should have asked me to". I am getting fed up with his attitude but when he does come up to talk to me, he is like two inches away from my nose. I am sorry but the only person I want that close to my face is my fiance.

Oh but to top off the evening with constantly telling Ritch and I that a table has finished eaten is driving me round the freaking bend. Even when I am about to check to see if a table has finished, he moans at me and tells me to clear. Then when he comes to help us take out the food to the table, it pisses me off even more because he isn't very good at what he does and when he is meant to be working at the bar, he doesn't even stay there at all. He wonders off and decides he will come and piss off Ritch and I by thinking he is helping, when he is making things worse.

Then when Ritch and myself are discussing what to do about put the tables pre-ordered food on the till, he goes and says "am I just going to do your work for you, you lazy *something*?" I openly said "well leave it alone then". If someone is going to complain about doing other people's work for them, when they are meant to be working at a different post, you don't constantly tell them what to do and then complain when they "decide" they are going to do the work instead.

If he attitude does no improve before my shift tomorrow, then I am going to scream. Oh and another thing, he is the nosiest fucking prick a fucking live. He is trying to get me to date someone on the shit hole that is the Isle of Wight. I am sorry, but I've dated a few people here and none of them even come close to my fiance, well he is my fiance.. DUH!! I really do hate it when people who don't know me, try to tell me what to do. He is really going to get an ear ful tomorrow if he pisses me off like he did today.

New Blog on my own website

Please go to http://sazzy-bu.co.uk/index/blog to keep up to date with my current thoughts, etc.

Parents Projecting onto their children.

I don't know how many people have ever found themselves in this situation but I am getting annoyed by it. I really do think that when a parent has a child above the age of 12, they should just let them find their own identity and ways to live their own life. I've not had the best relationship with my parents which is probably why I hate it when they try to control my life too much.

Also I am 22 almost 23 years old, yet they insist on telling me what not to do and then get annoyed when I do the opposite. Like my new hair cut for example, I've had a lot of people say it really suites me compared to my parents who say it looks horrible. Ok they might be loosing their little who really they lost when i turned 16. I am not a child any more and I can do what I want. Its just so frustrating when my parents tell me what to do.

Another thing is that Mother doesn't think I am ready to get married because my bf is in NY. She won't ever understand what I feel because she wants me to be this little child and stay that way. The obedient child who does what they are told. If I was to follow in my mothers footsteps, then I would have gotten married when I was 20 and that isn't me at all.

MY parents just don't seem to let me find my own personality and life style because in their eye's I am still young. It just gets really hard to find the support I want to live my life really.

Finally I am back!

I've not had the net for over a week and I got soooo bored, even playing on the Wii or DS or PSP didn't help, I got bored of them too easily just playing by myself.

But alas, I am back now and hoping to get back in GFX and maybe trying a few wallpapers.. although mine really do suck. But Really I should be working on my website to try and practise what I've during my web designing course.

Anyway.. i doubt anyone really noticed I wasn't around for a while, but you will see me online now obviously, as I am posting this entry so there :P

Nintendo Fan!

Well after buying myself my own Wii console and enjoying it so much. I went out today and also brought my own DS lite. I know its going to seem crazy to some people but honestly, it was the Brain training starter pack so its not so bad. I won't be buying games for the DS Lite that I already have the on Wii, that would just be stupid and a waste of money.

So now that is 3 consoles I own.... wow that really is a lot of money spent within two years but I've been working hard and tend to go shopping to help cheer myself up, Like any gal would really but I do make sure I monitor my spending habbits just to keep things in check. But now that Christmas is soon upon us, I will only be buying gifts for my family and not on myself. I've already asked for the Rockband on the Wii :P (sly thing that I am). Its going to be cool to play with Eddie and my best friend Ellen when we all move in together. Hopefully we will have my friend kyle join us too but that is something we will have to discuss with him about. At least then, having friends around for drinks is going to be fun.... I just wanna see a tipsy person trying to play on the wiiFit or something just to see how bad they do it.

Motivation

I know in my last entry I said I would focus more on studying. But since I started doing this website, it seems that I have been so focused on getting it all set up that I haven't even gotten round to properly studying. I know it is bad and I should really work on getting a better job that isn't going to keep holding me back. Its just that I've been so side tracked with coding the skins and getting it all the way I want it, that I suppose really, I've been thinking that working on the site is helping me with my studies, which it has in a way.

However, now that I have got things the way I want it, I can now focus on getting the studying back up to where it should be and finally finishing this web design course. I just lack the motivation to really get things sorted and to do what really needs to be done, which is to stop sitting at my computer all day trying to figure out what to do when there is things I could really be doing.

Like today, I spent most of my time working a painting (which can been seen on my gallery page). Its for a navity picture competition I think. My mother said I should do one and that everyone in the family is going to do it. So that should be fun. But it isn't really studying web design now is it?!

Web Designing

A couple of weeks ago I had eye opener if you like about where my life is really going. With my current job, where I have been working there for a year in December. The only kind of promotion I have gotten is that I now work at the bar as well as the restaurant. Its not exactly a big step forward but it is something at least.

However I have been neglecting my studies in Web Design for a very long time and its about time i get it all done so I can get a better job and leave my current job. I've already made myself a study plan and make sure that i do around 21 hours a week, its just that I really need to get my head down and do it. Making this web site is what I do inbetween studying to help practise my skills as a future web designer. I really do want to focus on designing web pages as a career. I wanted to study web design while I was at university but really I was only able to just touch the surface of dreamweaver and it didn't really help me alot. Of course now I can really do more than I want and start learning; PHP, MySQL, ColdFusion, XML, Visual C#, AJAX, Java, JavaScript, Frontpage 2000 and a few others.

Now I plan to make weekly updates on my progress and really see the studying as a project and set goals and evaluate my progress.

HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!

Well don't know how many people know me but anyway...

Halloween is my second favourite time of the year. Not because of trick or treating because really... thats just a publicity stunt to get parents to buy sweets for kids who shouldn't really be out knocking on strangers doors. I prefer the halloween where its just to celebrate All Hallows Eve but without bringing to dead to the land of the living. I don't really believe in witchcraft enough to want to actually try it.

But my main reason is because its the only time of the year I don't have to get cheap remarks for wearing black (see there is always a hidden agenda). Also it means I can really watch Nightmare Before Christmas to my hearts contempt! I really do love the movie and I watch it every year as well as listen to the soundtrack if I don't get the chance to watch the movie, which is probably what I will be doing this year as I am working in the evening (talk about spoiling my fun!!!).

How can you not like the movie anyway?? ohhh unless your a chav where you don't really have a clue what the world is about because you don't understand anything properly. I know its more of a gothic movie as its really about the dead taking over Christmas but its a funny musical.

So if your not doing anything special for halloween, then watch Nightmare before Christmas!!!!!

Dreams of Married Life

I really have been thinking about what it is going to be like being married. To live with someone, share everything with (well except clothing) and to just have the ability to say "Yeah I am married". Its got to be something so sureal at first that after a few years maybe, it has to turn into something so natural that its just right.

From my personal view, it must be great to live with your best friend who is also your husband. To just have a guy around the house and hardly anyone else. I know the bills part of life is going to be a pain in the buttocks but its something to get used to. Having only know a little what it is like to with someone who isn't someone you grew up with, it just has to be a shock to the system. However, it must be really great to just have someone you can trust so much be around all the time so you can just talk to them when ever. This is something I am having trouble with at the moment as there really isn't any one around here that is so approachable.

In the current circumstances, its hard to even believe that I have been in a relationship for almost two years and its still as strong as ever. I've never known someone who sticks by me no matter what I say and listen to me when no one else does. It is such a nice change to know that there is someone who is willing to do it to and not only get worried when I am really really down because I don't talk or seem as cheerful as I usually do. But my boyfriend just knows when something is getting down before I get that bad. It may not seem like much to some people but to me, it means everything.

Really, I am just looking forward to getting married, to settle down with my soul mate. Yes it might seem like a gamble because I don't see him as often as most couples do, but that doesn't mean my feelings waver. They are more persistant that ever and its not going to change. I am really happy where I am in life and I am ready to settle down, to be the adult I am becoming and to even look forward to being a mother.

Trapped in Hell!!

Ok so I don't know how many people know what my job is, so if you didn't know I am a Bar and Restaurant Casual at a Sailing Club on the Isle of Wight. But really my job sucks!!!!!! I would gladly go back to Uni for free and spend another three years there. Honestly, anything will be better than remaining in a job where my work hardly goes unnoticed. Only some of the customers who I serve thank me for looking after them and give like £9 in tips, which sadly gets shared between the kitchen staff and other waiting staff, So for all my hard work I don't even get much at all. Plus the fact that when I do work I get shouted at by the head chef for not doing work when I am trying to take a breather.

Recently, I've been working on shifts where there is only two waiting staff on and I am the one running around trying to do almost everything and no one else notices. It just takes the buscit when I tried so hard to do a good job and look after customers that it goes unnoticed and I end up coming home really stressed because I don't get rewarded. Its just a good thing that I only asked for a few shifts a week so I can study Web Design (which I haven't really doing... well unless you count working photoshop??). But I quit once and thenI got a call like the next day asking for me to go back and I stupidly did. I am such a idiot for doing that!!!

The other thing that gets me, is that most of them are really nosey too. They are always asking how my relationship is going and two of them even keep asking me if I have left him yet? Just because its a long distance relationship, it doesn't mean its already going to clearly fail. We will have been dating for two years in November. I know I feel about him because it took me a year for my feelings to show and I am not going to let it slip away from me that easily. I even don't talk about my personal life that much with them because they don't understand and its a good think I don't too. My experience in life has taught me to trust wisely and never trust too easily!

I'm on the Outside

Staind - Outside

A great song to be played when I feel like I'm the outsider on things. Like I try to sort out future plans, settle down on a place to live with a job. I was speaking to my best friend yesturday and we both agreed to save up a lot of money, and then put a deposit on a house some when next year and get a mortgage. To finally get a place away from my family, which some times annoy me. And be able to support myself on my own for a while. I hate to depend on others. To me, being 22 and living at my parents is close to the worst thing I can. I've been brought up hereand I should have to stay here as an adult. However, I know my fiance will something to say about it.

Apparently decisions get made and changed for the third time this year. I just can't take all of this crap. He knows what I will do if I move there, which is to sell everything I have to get more money to buy things over there. There is no point trying to bring a PC, 22" monitor, Wii, TV, DVD's, CD's and games to the US in my opinion. Why bring things with you that only you appreciate because you brought them and have constant memories of a life you left behind to move to America. A life that you established on your own to create a new life in a country you don't want to live in because of major insecurities.

I've had so many thoughts come into my head and I've come close to making them final. But maybe it is asking too much for my fiance to move to England where its safer to live and less blood shed than in America. I've thought about post-poning the wedding or even calling it off. Its too early to decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together forever, when my fiance keeps deciding he won't get into the UK. He hasn't even tried to visit me again here. Its all down to me moving over there. To visit him over there and to leave everything I have behind because its only going to get nicked or something.

I am just getting a little fed up with being the one who has to do most things in a relationship. My past relationship consisted of me moving backwards and forwards across the south of England to see my boyfriend most of the time. For being the one with the money just because I was on a student loan and had parents who were willing to support me, which my boyfriend at the time abused their kindness. Even when I was around his, he didn't treat me well so I was fool for staying with him for a year.

Now I can't help but wonder if I in the same kind of relationship again. Where I am the one doing most of the sacrificing while my partner doesn't even try to do just as much. I am the weakest person some will ever know when it comes to relationships. But its not like most people actually care. I am just the person people push around just because they can because of my kind and caring personality.

Soon it will time to properly think if things are going to change or I just give in to moving to one place I don't want to live or just stay in my safe zone because its all I know.

Things just turn right around

Just when I thought things were going well. It just all turns on me. I can't take much more of this being pushed around. I was getting all worked up about being able to stay here, then my partner says if he comes here, he won't get in. I've been trying so hard to make sure things work. I've been working loads of shifts and try my best to plan a head. And now its all been a waste of time, its all been for nothing. I've gotten back to studying to be a web designer again. I feel like I've wasted my parents money. I've even planned how things are going to go in my head. And its all be erased as if it was nothing.

Things are totally falling apart and I can't stop it because I'm too torn up inside. I've said in the past, if I move to America, then I will sell all my stuff. I mean EVERYTHING. But when he said he is going to move here, I started to buy things that would better in the long run. Buying a better monitor for my PC and even buying a Wii. I've been saving to go towards buying a house but that idea is useless. In some ways, I feel betrayed and I am not strong enough to cope with anything.

I recently told him I have applied for a full time bar staff job. Maybe that is what kicked it off. So he doesn't have to get money to move here. Its all on my weak head again. The stress I can't handle along with work related stress. I thought I could take what ever life throws at me, but I can't. In the end I am the ant... being crushed on because I am too small.

I really take it any more. I've had enough, I would just prefer to be left alone so I wollow in self-pitty.

Well the wedding has begun its planning stage

Well after finally getting round to talking about our wedding, it feels more kind of set in stone almost. Except the part where my fiance wants to offically ask for my Dad's approval and properally propose. Otherwise, we are most of the way there. Its strange to think i would be here planning. I know when most girls are young, they plan their own wedding, which is something I never did because I always thought I would be alone and I loved being a child too much to think about adult stuff.

So after talking with my fiance, its put my mind into excitement mode. I know who my maid of honour is, and I have an idea of my bridesmaids. So that part was delt with a while ago, its just down to asking them really.

[23:34:04] Sazzy: ok right I was thinking.. for our wedding, would you mind if I served people behind the bar :P
[23:35:28] SolKing2: if you want
[23:36:05] Sazzy: well what you to do at our wedding??
[23:36:20] Sazzy: I know you want use to light saber duel down the aisle
[23:36:39] SolKing2: well I was kidding about that
[23:36:55] Sazzy: awwwww ok well what then?
[23:37:02] Sazzy: I don't want a wedding all about me...
[23:37:59] SolKing2: we could use the lightsabers during the dancing
[23:38:20] Sazzy: ok
[23:38:31] Sazzy: what else?
[23:38:52] Sazzy: what colours should we use?
[23:38:53] SolKing2: idk
[23:39:13] SolKing2: I'm not good at these things
[23:39:15] Sazzy: you want to have dark grey suites
[23:39:23] Sazzy: with red?
[23:39:57] SolKing2: how about black and red
[23:40:23] SolKing2: the suit is black and shirt is black but the tie is red
[23:40:45] Sazzy: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
[23:41:37] Sazzy: what do you think the bridesmaids should wear?
[23:41:54] Sazzy: crimson red is used a lot
[23:42:00] Sazzy: so just bright red?
[23:42:20] Sazzy: with white flowers.. then i have a white dress with red flowers
[23:42:32] SolKing2: thats kool
[23:43:13] Sazzy: ok
[23:45:05] Sazzy: do we have a paige boy and girl?
[23:45:58] Sazzy: or flower girl.. what ever you call them
[23:46:41] SolKing2: well they aren't that necessary
[23:46:55] SolKing2: the bestman holds the rings also
[23:46:59] Sazzy: yeah I just wondered....
[23:47:15] Sazzy: at my aunties wedding.. Andy and I were paige girl and boy
[23:47:28] SolKing2: aww
[23:47:29] Sazzy: we sang " Make me a channel of your peace" during the servise
[23:47:33] SolKing2: little weewah
[23:47:39] Sazzy: service*
[23:48:04] Sazzy: I dunno if you know that hymn
[23:48:11] SolKing2: idk
[23:48:31] SolKing2: well if we can't get anyone for those positions then don't worry
[23:48:54] Sazzy: yeah. I do have cousins with children.. but I dunno
[23:49:05] SolKing2: that can wait
[23:49:08] Sazzy: ok
[23:49:24] Sazzy: shall we use red and white to decorate the church?
[23:49:32] SolKing2: sure
[23:49:39] SolKing2: do you have a church picked out?
[23:49:47] Sazzy: with a black rose in the middle..
[23:49:58] SolKing2: black rose means death
[23:50:10] Sazzy: ooooooo cool
[23:50:15] Sazzy: death to the bride :P
[23:50:18] Sazzy: but anyway..
[23:50:33] SolKing2: aww
[23:50:49] Sazzy: my church is undergoing some reconstruction and should be done by september.. but I dunno about that.
[23:51:35] SolKing2: ok
[23:52:02] Sazzy: or there is another church that is near a town center but I will show you when you get here and you can pick
[23:53:42] SolKing2: ok baby
[23:56:55] Sazzy: ohh one thing... do we want two people give little sermons?
[23:58:01] SolKing2: how about just one so we don't fall asleep
[23:58:22] Sazzy: well I was going to limit them to 8 minutes each
[23:58:23] Sazzy: :P
[23:58:37] Sazzy: but one is ok... save the rest till the speaches right
[23:58:46] SolKing2: well if we have people from my family they throw chairs if you preach to them
[23:59:06] Sazzy: ohhh ok
[23:59:34] SolKing2: yea half my family are christians and the other half fight the christians
[23:59:51] SolKing2: like Manny
[23:59:59] Sazzy: so who will say the sermon?
[00:00:09] Sazzy: or speaj
[00:00:13] Sazzy: speak*
[00:00:32] SolKing2: I don't know but my parents might not go depending on what happens
[00:01:18] Sazzy: will they accept it if i pay for a ticket?
[00:02:12] SolKing2: maybe
[00:02:16] Sazzy: or pay towards them coming
[00:02:27] Sazzy: I can't have your parents missing your wedding
[00:02:51] SolKing2: yea
[00:05:04] Sazzy: ok
[00:05:34] Sazzy: ok do you want a traditional service?
[00:07:26] SolKing2: I guess
[00:08:33] Sazzy: or we can sort out our own order of service..
[00:09:54] SolKing2: whichever i dot mindn'
[00:10:06] Sazzy: I will stop asking questions now
[00:10:17] SolKing2: keep going
[00:10:26] Sazzy: ok...
[00:10:47] Sazzy: would you be ok with having a jazz band play at the reception?
[00:10:57] Sazzy: Simon is in a Jazz band.
[00:11:22] SolKing2: only if they don't sound lame
[00:11:40] Sazzy: well you will hear them rehearse as they rehearse here at home
[00:12:35] Sazzy: I was just thinking about costs of getting a band.. :P
[00:14:19] SolKing2: yea that can be expensive
[00:15:01] Sazzy: what shall be played for our first dance?
[00:15:08] Sazzy: if you want to have a first dance
[00:17:09] SolKing2: hmmmm
[00:18:45] Sazzy: its hard right? or is it just me
[00:19:34] SolKing2: its hard
[00:19:54] Sazzy: I don't want a corny song
[00:22:02] SolKing2: me neither
[00:23:03] Sazzy: we can decide that when you get here I suppose.
[00:23:17] Sazzy: so we can hear a few together etc
[00:24:18] SolKing2: yea
[00:24:44] Sazzy: we can decide invites later too.
[00:24:52] Sazzy: once we get the church sorted..
[00:25:19] Sazzy: and the place for the reception
[00:26:19] SolKing2: yea we have to know how many people can we fit in there
[00:27:28] Sazzy: yeah but really we have to give your family enough notice so they can get time off work and book flights etc.
[00:30:17] SolKing2: yea I know thats why I'll tell everyone the next time I see them
[00:30:28] Sazzy: ok
[00:30:40] Sazzy: so are we aiming for a June wedding?
[00:31:02] SolKing2: yea that gives us 6 months to save and get ready
[00:31:10] Sazzy: ok cool

Really, we still have the big things to sort out, but its better to sort them out together properly then breifly now.

Regrets

Now I am not I am not in any place to sit here and tpye

"I do have regrets on decisions I made, because looking back they just didn't work out"

Because really, I can't change them. I cannot go back into my hazy past and change anything. What happened, happened. Thats life and there is nothing I can do about it. There maybe things in my life that I want to change, but that is just being human. I am sure that many people have wanted to change their past and create a new one. However, the fact is, if we did, who would we really become? We all have decisions to make and to other people, it may not be the right choice, but does that really show who we really are or would it only show how other people inflict theirself on you?

Dictating another person's actions is really controlling others to be like you. If that happens then does the world really need another copy? Should there really be more replicars in the world? The world can't be full of similar people, if it was, then how could other people survive if there no one different and experience different things. We all need to have our individuality not be a copy of another person.

If your reading this, your probably thinking "oh well, just what the world needs.. a crazy person" or what have you. But really think about it. Really look into human society and see how although we are all different, the world seems to work better than to just clones of someone. I've been thinking about it recently and to be completely honest, I would hate to see someone who is a replicar of me. I would end up killing it because I can't stand seeing someone go throught the exact same thing as me, and live my life as their own life. I would hate to have someone go through my life and repeat my mistakes. I know I can't really stop someone from doing so but I can at least try to prevent it happening the same way right?

I am greatful I went through all the crap I did go through. As if I didn't go through it, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I've talked to my boyfriend about this and he says the same thing. Life gives us obstacles to overcome. If we didn't go through what we went through then we wouldn't be as strong as we are today. We all have to get through some thing tough in ourlives. But its life, deal with it. We get a chance to experience life so do what you want to do, react how you want to react and so say things you want to say. You can't go back and change anything, so don't bother trying to do so. It will only make matters worse, and ruin the life you have as it will make more regrets. Life is precious no matter who you are, so do what you want, not what someone else wants you to do.

Hard times

Recently, things have been a little hectic with so much going on recently. Maybe I am trying to juggle too much in one go but I really don't know how else to do it. I've had work pick up again and I've been called in for shifts most of the week, but there is only so much running around being a servant for people who are more experienced. I am a dancer/Choreographer not a waitress. My whole life has been about dancing and to really perform ballet and contemporary. Yet I haven't done that in almost a year and I don't know where else to go to make sure I don't loose my youthful enthusiasm of dancing. I would really love to do hold certain classes to get people to come. Its just getting the time and travel arrangements sorted.

So while I miss dancing so much and not having any classes for people like me, but I am trying to find time to study to be a web designer while dealing with a job I don't like doing till I can hand in my notice and get a 9-5 job as a web designer. Its just there isn't much time in the day to do studying, working and putting the skills to some practice.

I know I told my partner that when I move in with him, I will be saying good bye to my dancing career, which I will probably regret but dancing doesn't hold a stable income to put enough food on the table day after day. Especially, as a choreographer, its even harder to try to find space to choreograph and then find venues that will let you perform there.

I am torn between two sides, one side is where I get a stable career that will help bring food and a place to live or sit around wondering what to do but not really moving any where because your too scared of drowning. I am still confused and I keep getting confused too easily. Even my partner keeps bringing up things that really hit home and I just end up going quiet because I don't know how to act or reply. Its either sit there and acknowledge that my partner thinks I should get stronger but experiencing the toughness of life. Which I don't think I can do, I am someone that has a lot of habbits with worrying being one of them and I don't know what really to do because I don't want to offend him but how can I just drop being in an almost stable part of life when I move out of my parents and start earning my own money.

To dropping everything just so I can experience what life is like the way he has experienced life. I do love him but asking to just drop everything so I can learn to have a carefree life where money isn't important as long as you have a loved on, is something I can't comprehend in my mind. All I see is myself going crazy with worrying and ending up in a mental institution. I have always worried about many things in life. Its just something that do and if I don't worry then things just won't work out. If I can't worry and bring things to my attention then how I am going to be on top of things and know what is going and what isn't going on because I have a carefree attitude where I don't know if I am coming or going.

I have my PSP back!

Well after not having a PSP for almost a month because I bricked it.. just by changing the skin. I finally hacked it again using Pandora magic stick and soft hacking the battery to get it work again. But at least it is back up and running and I get back to play Disgaea. Which I am only level 25 after playing 60 hours... I am a total noob what can I say.

Well at least now I have something to take me away from the computer for a while rather than sitting my desk chair all day.

Why is it?

Why is it that when people say "You can talk to me any time you want". Yet when you want to talk them about something that is really getting you down, you can't find them. Its either that or if they are around, you can't feel like you can talk to them. For me, it is either because I don't want to alter their mood or it is because I don't know how to really word what I am really feeling. I can't explain things well and I really do try to keep it simple but when I do that, it still won't make any difference. I can pour my heart out only for someone to just say "its ok". I mean come one, I've actually opened up to you and all you can say is "its ok". Its obvious not ok if I am sat here, almost crying my eyes out and asking for help.

It would really be nice for once, for someone to not just say those two words, but to carry on with the bloody sentence. If someone is asking for help, then for goodness sake, give it to them and really be supportive.

I've tried countless times to go to someone for help. Which is rather rare for me. So for me to ask someone to listen to me, is a big thing yet when I do, all I seem to do is just talk about things. I hardly get advise or even good advise. I am just left there hanging on by a thread till it just breaks and I am left on the ground in pieces.

Forward planning - A Wedding in the making

Today has actually been a really cool, one that has cheered me up after almost two weeks of being down.But today felt like a new start. I know I might have been a pain to some people I know and they might have worried about me. But really what it really came down to, was me needing to really rely on my partner as well as doing something different to boost my confidence.

Look at today, I had my hair cut and after I had it cut, I was really pleased. It was something that can only be done once in a while and just being able to get it done meant a lot. Ok it was a bit expensive. But seeing as it really cheered me and was something that I needed, it was really worth it. It may not have been a big difference. However, to me, it was something that gave me a confidence boost.

In addition, I was also able to have a really good conversation about my future with my boyfriend. I know that to some it may not be much of a surprise, but after having a really good talk with him, we both decided to say that yes there is a wedding in the making. We have been together for 1 year and 5 months, so naturally, a proposal occurred and ikkle Sazzy here said yes! (without hesitation I might add). I suppose I can't really call myself "ikkle" any more seeing as I am 22 and getting married. But it really cheered me up when now there is no longer any reason to keep it hidden, well maybe from parents as they haven't met their soon to be son-in-law. But I don't mind, I am engaged to someone who loves me so much that I now longer have any reason to hide it.

I am not really one to plan a wedding as I never thought I would be the one getting married. But now that I am, I don't know where to start. I mean I was thinking having white and gold but that is as far as I have gotten. How does one start to plan a wedding anyway? come on, its something that to me will only happen once and I don't even know where to begin. It is something that will mean the most to be. Being able to say I love my fiance so much that no matter what happens, I am going to stand by him and get through what ever troubles we have. Even recently, with us having some troubles in our relationship, we are still together and love each other so much. If we can over something like that then we will still be able to tackle any other obstacles life throws at us.

Today, we did talk about the schedule of our wedding, because we are from different countries, we have to accommodate a suitable line up as people have to travel. So we talked about having the wedding over the weekend. Plan it so that it can be done in what four days so people don't have to miss much of work etc. At least it is a start right?

Well I am sure to keep you up dated with what is going on, but that is if I am able to contain the excitement!

Should I just go?

When ever I get really down and start to worry about the future, I always seem to give people the cold shoulder. Maybe I am better off living alone and just aim to making my friends happy. They are what matters. But when its my boyfriend whom I push away, I start to feel really sick deep down and I just want to die. If I hurt the ones closest to me the most, then what is the point of ever having someone that close to me. I really tried to just pass it off as nothing. But I failed.

Talking about the future and moving away to a place where I don't have any friends is really hard. Not only that but I am leaving behind my best friend. She has been there for me since the beginning of high school and there is no way I can just leave her after everything she has done for me. I would feel too guilty to do such a thing.

I know things between my boyfriend and I have been rocky because of me being the one who has to move. Even telling him I don't want to move hasn't worked. He makes me feel guilty when he then says he misses him. Maybe he does know my weakness all to well (making others happy is all I want to do weakness), and use it to his advantage. Or its most likely that I am really never going to be girlfriend material and I deserve to feel pain, sorrow, grief, loneliness so I can be an example of what people shouldn't become.

Even when my boyfriend tries to get me to talk, I shut down and just try to get him to forget about it. He says he loves me, but what if deep down he can't take it any more. Then I suppose I really have become the person who I always thought I would be. A Lonely depressive person who can't keep hold of anything good because her depression and paranoia get in the way.

I think it would be best that I leave everyone alone for a few weeks or something, till they have forgotten about me and have moved on. I am sure no one wants a depressive friend or girlfriend.

Dishearting thoughts

I don't know why but at night, it seems to be the time where I get most depressed. I start to feel lonely more and dwell on what could be happening rather than just remembering that I am alone. With only my family and one best friend near by. There is no boyfriend near by, just 7 hours away. But it really is taking its toll.

I love my boyfriend so very much, its just telling him I don't want to move my home town is just going to be hard to get used to. So I think I am stalling so I can enjoy where I live more and appreciate it for the beauty that is England, my home. I know its only 7 hours away, but its still far enough to really miss home and to never really get back home easily because its NY. How far away from home can you get? I really want to openly say to him that I don't want to move. But it puts too much pressure on him to move here instead and he is barely making money as it is. To earn enough money to buy a ticket to England.

I am sure he is probably earning more money than me at the moment. With me not having any shifts at work for a month. Its just a useless job and I don't really want to leave it yet in case I do get work and I can then earn some money as I study for my web design position.  But I know I have to do what I have to do.

I suppose its just me being strange and I should really focus on my list first and sort them out one by one.

Life's Mysteries

Well seeing as I tend to spend most of my time on the computer, I thought it would be nice for a change to start properly blogging again. So hopefully I will remember to keep posting here every so often. As well as helping me with my grammar more, as I do have a tendency to not only misspell but to not use the correct grammar too.

Well after having a bit of a down time last night, with things still not being dealt with. But once I take of them one bit at a time, then it should all work out better than it has been now. Of course, I can't deal with everything related to; my relationship, finding work, studying web design, dealing with family life, and trying to move out all in one go. I should really make a list of all the things I really need to deal with. Like a task list just so I can sort them out. Then by a goal date, I should have done it all on the list.

Now that would be a really smart move really. I should do that now.. here....

Sazzy's Task List No 1

1. Talk with bf about plans for the future, including; worries about where to live, How to get all the money needed, Travel costs to get there, suitable job plans before leaving current address, and queries about visa's etc.


2. Decide on dates to move out. When would be it appropriate to move in with my best mate, and how to get my stuff into the new apartment.


3. Studying time troubles; Arrange a schedule to sort out times to study and times to have breaks. This course needs to be done soon/quickly in order to get a well paid 9-5 job.


4. Family Issues at home; Really need to sort out of its good to talk about all the problems considering my family or just to let them rest for a while.


5. Find work; well I know I can't really think this through till I finish the course, but getting some extra money in the mean time will help smooth moving out easier.

Well I will get back to the list soon ;)

Quitting is all I do

well I have been realizing that my life has always had difficulties. I suppose I didn't really give it much thought as I've had many other things to think about. maybe that is just my thing.

"Someone who always does something else when things get though"

I always know when I am about to fail so I don't feel like there is a point to carrying on with what I was doing. It might sound like a really stupid thing to do, but this is me, I don't do things right sometimes. Its just things this week, have not really been the best they could be. I've been having a lot on my mind and never really sorted them out right.

Anyway, most of the things that have been on my mind, are yet again about self reflection. I've been talking to Eddie about it and I admit, its still bugging me a little. I suppose its like a fault with myself that I hate but don't really know if I can change it or even try to change it. Its like no matter what I to do to change it, it still doesn't work. I always hit a dead end and that is where I stay.

I've always wondered around aimlessly in hope that something comes along and helps change things. Finally when Eddie came into my life it changed. But it only changed most of the things. The things that didn't change are always there to haunt me. I can't get rid of them no matter how hard I try. I don't know what really to do with myself when those small things take over and leave me even more stranded then I was before.

Yeah I can deal with some things but there is only so much I can take because I complete crack, and its happened before so there is nothing stopping it from happening again. I've always seemed to fall apart on occasion and the more it happens, the more I can't prevent it from happening because I've run out of options. Things just always have a way of getting to me and making me feel like shit all the time.

Think you understand me?

I always wondered why I say I understand things when I really I don't. I mean its like I view myself saying something from a third person perspective. Most of the time I even wonder what I am doing as most things just don't make sense. Of course I can say one thing when really its not what I am really thinking or feeling. Like say one thing but really you mean another. I think its called sub context or a riddle.

Like when I say I am a bit better could be a lie and really I am still crying after an hour of talking because the talking might not be enough. Or saying saying nothing is bothering when really something is eating away at me from the inside and I don't know what to do about it. I am someone who wants others to be happy so to do that I cover up how I really feel so they won't suspect anything and effect how they are feeling. Now for some, they might see its just a charade and try to get me to open up but really I know there is more to it but I never want to talk about things. Yes to say "Sazzy you should bottle it all up" or "Sazzy you should really talk about it" because really that will mostly go in one ear and out the other. I've heard that phrase so many times then I just don't listen to it. I have my own way of dealing with my problems and so far, for the past 22 years its done well so far. Of course people still ask, why are you so negative. But there is a good reason and the list time I told someone about that reason they used it against me and treated me like shit that made me cry every day for 9 months.

Yeah I am stupid and not really one to talk about dealing with things but I won't ever change what I do because last time I changed something small about me, that shit happened. So I refuse to let history repeat itself. Ok I've opened up to Eddie a bit more but even now I don't know how long I can last before I start cracking from the pressure of others trying to get me to talk too. I break under pressure so much but I just hide it by appearing like a zombie and wonder around in a daze. I can't even think what it is like to sort things out head on because I am too much of a coward to face up to things. As Ed put it...

[quote][00:59] solking429: I jsut wish you would open up instead of push me away
[01:00] solking429: say something then think the worst and run away[/quote]

Why would some one say that and not just walk away from the problematic person? Why stand by someone who causes so much pain? Surly the bad out weighs the good so why stay? I am only a defenseless old cow, who doesn't value her own life above others. Who tries not to appear selfish but fails.

I for instance. Just saying I would commit suicide then live a lonely life had Eddie and Fireandice try to talk me out of it. If I really do cause a lot of trouble then why still want me to live if I feel I can't live alone? Yes I will go to hell for committing suicide but aren't I already going there? I felt alone so many times so to lose the one love of my life just won't make life worth living in my eyes.

Yes I am a negative person so don't try and change me or you will end up loosing me as a friend.

Does it really matter?

Well I've been wondering if it is even worth me moving out my parents house and find a 9-5 job. I mean if its going to be cancelled for when I move, is there really a point. I really love my independence and I don't like to burden anyone but if I do try this, will it be worth it all as it will only be chucked away?

I know that I need to get out of this house. But I just wonder if anything I plan to do is really worth it. I really would like to set up my dance classes and help teach contemporary and I might get more teaching opportunities too in Autumn. But if I am moving, it won't make a difference. My aim of a dance class is to improve stamina and to widen ones dance vocabulary. I can't do all that in one session. I want it to last for as long as possible and work in dancing. But when I move, its a different story.

see when I do move, I will letting dancing go, as it is going to bring in enough money in the way I want. America already has established contemporary companies so there won't be anything different that I can bring. So I am going to forget about doing dance and just focus on getting a job that will help bring in money instead. As I doubt that any form of dancing will get enough money into the bank.

Crapy Crap crap

[color=#80a0ff]Well If you couldn't tell, I've not really been the Happy Cheerful Sazzy since last week. Too much crap is coming at me in one go. So my week has been a very depressing one to say the least I think. But not self-harming occurred if people start to wonder.

Well I am finally moving out of my parents house on 30th March, or just before then maybe. To go live on a haunted lane, how cool does that sound. But really it doesn't seem haunted at all, it just scares my best friend a little I suppose. But if it means more independence then its better and not having anyone moan at me, but let me do what I want.

Then there is the fact of me being scared to move to America. I dunno why but I get really upset about it when I think about it. Its going to be really tough and I know I am not that strong so I feel like I might crack. Hopefully I won't but there is a possibility. I dunno, its just a bit thing to do and I am scared shitless about it. [/color]