I'm on the Outside

Staind - Outside

A great song to be played when I feel like I'm the outsider on things. Like I try to sort out future plans, settle down on a place to live with a job. I was speaking to my best friend yesturday and we both agreed to save up a lot of money, and then put a deposit on a house some when next year and get a mortgage. To finally get a place away from my family, which some times annoy me. And be able to support myself on my own for a while. I hate to depend on others. To me, being 22 and living at my parents is close to the worst thing I can. I've been brought up hereand I should have to stay here as an adult. However, I know my fiance will something to say about it.

Apparently decisions get made and changed for the third time this year. I just can't take all of this crap. He knows what I will do if I move there, which is to sell everything I have to get more money to buy things over there. There is no point trying to bring a PC, 22" monitor, Wii, TV, DVD's, CD's and games to the US in my opinion. Why bring things with you that only you appreciate because you brought them and have constant memories of a life you left behind to move to America. A life that you established on your own to create a new life in a country you don't want to live in because of major insecurities.

I've had so many thoughts come into my head and I've come close to making them final. But maybe it is asking too much for my fiance to move to England where its safer to live and less blood shed than in America. I've thought about post-poning the wedding or even calling it off. Its too early to decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together forever, when my fiance keeps deciding he won't get into the UK. He hasn't even tried to visit me again here. Its all down to me moving over there. To visit him over there and to leave everything I have behind because its only going to get nicked or something.

I am just getting a little fed up with being the one who has to do most things in a relationship. My past relationship consisted of me moving backwards and forwards across the south of England to see my boyfriend most of the time. For being the one with the money just because I was on a student loan and had parents who were willing to support me, which my boyfriend at the time abused their kindness. Even when I was around his, he didn't treat me well so I was fool for staying with him for a year.

Now I can't help but wonder if I in the same kind of relationship again. Where I am the one doing most of the sacrificing while my partner doesn't even try to do just as much. I am the weakest person some will ever know when it comes to relationships. But its not like most people actually care. I am just the person people push around just because they can because of my kind and caring personality.

Soon it will time to properly think if things are going to change or I just give in to moving to one place I don't want to live or just stay in my safe zone because its all I know.

Things just turn right around

Just when I thought things were going well. It just all turns on me. I can't take much more of this being pushed around. I was getting all worked up about being able to stay here, then my partner says if he comes here, he won't get in. I've been trying so hard to make sure things work. I've been working loads of shifts and try my best to plan a head. And now its all been a waste of time, its all been for nothing. I've gotten back to studying to be a web designer again. I feel like I've wasted my parents money. I've even planned how things are going to go in my head. And its all be erased as if it was nothing.

Things are totally falling apart and I can't stop it because I'm too torn up inside. I've said in the past, if I move to America, then I will sell all my stuff. I mean EVERYTHING. But when he said he is going to move here, I started to buy things that would better in the long run. Buying a better monitor for my PC and even buying a Wii. I've been saving to go towards buying a house but that idea is useless. In some ways, I feel betrayed and I am not strong enough to cope with anything.

I recently told him I have applied for a full time bar staff job. Maybe that is what kicked it off. So he doesn't have to get money to move here. Its all on my weak head again. The stress I can't handle along with work related stress. I thought I could take what ever life throws at me, but I can't. In the end I am the ant... being crushed on because I am too small.

I really take it any more. I've had enough, I would just prefer to be left alone so I wollow in self-pitty.