Bitch please.. I don't care!

I AM A GOTH AND PROUD OF IT!!! No matter how hard you can try and give me a mouthful about why I dress the way I do but it won't mean jack to me. You can't try and change me so don't bother. I love black, I love wearing black and I love listening to music that is played by true musicians!

Yes I also like to listen to Korean and Japanese music. I love the culture and the music. At least I've tried to learn a language and admire how they respect each other. That's more than I can say about the dumb pricks in British society who don't know how to behave around other people. They only give a shit about themselves. How about actually learning how to respect other people and take note of your actions?!

I know I'm not perfect but at least I'm not a dick to everyone else. You either like me or you hate me. Just don't bitch about me behind my back. Because I'm strong enough to confront you and ask you what you don't like about me. Not that it influence my actions to suit you. I've had enough of that shit. Done that for the past 26 years of me life. Not going to do it any more.

Self-Sacrificing Love

I've been watching a lot of Korean movies recently. But I think "Pained" is one of those where I felt I really understood the characters emotion. Now I'm sorry for the spoilers for those who want to see it. But at the end the guy sacrifices himself. I'm not saying that I'm going to do the same right now. But I was reminded of what I'm like when I'm in a relationship. My last relationship probably wasn't what many would consider to be a healthy one. But I'm more of a self-sacrificing type. The other person comes first. I never want to see other's in pain, so I would rather feel the pain instead.

No matter how much I get hit.. How much I bleed... I don't care at all. But when she cries, it feels like my heart's ripping apart. So, Please watch over her. If I have to die for her... I'll die.

self-sacrificing love, Love is such a complicated emotion that I wonder if everyone would sacrifice themselves for the one they really love. Or is just words of comfort? Personally, I have said such words to other's. I know that I lack certain qualities, but I don't like to someone a loved one get hurt. I would take the pain instead. I would rather other's be happy rather than troubled. When I was in my teens, early twenties, I always thought that if I would die, it would be while giving birth to my child. I don't know why I thought that. But I would rather if the situation called for it, that they saved my child rather than myself. So for years, I thought that would be how I died. I can't tell you if that isn't the case, because I'm single and have no chance getting pregnant any time soon.

I don't like to see other's doing what I do. They aren't allowed to keep things bottled up inside. I am not one to listen to their own advise. But I don't want what is troubling me to effect someone else. I tend to deal with all my problems on my own. But it did get pretty bad recently. I started to get really down and got depressed. Thought about suicide and self-harm. I really couldn't take it any more. So I went to get help and had 4 sessions with the Health Care team here on this Island. It helped me get over and try to see things in a different light. The thinking part didn't help, but altering my behaviours did. I just don't want other's to have to do the same. Its hard to see someone upset so I help in any way I can. I have been through difficult situations and I don't want anyone to go through what I've been through.

So whenever I watch a drama or a movie about such story lines, I can't help be moved and understanding. If it means it takes someone's pain anyway, then I would do it. If I get hurt in the process, then at least I'm the one getting hurt and not them. I can never put myself first, its just not in my nature. But I'm also way to insecure to think highly of myself.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to write something.

TEFL Course Booked

Well compared to last entry, things are going well. For the time being at least.

I have one more week to go till its my Counselling Assessment. I am a little nervous about it to be honest. The last time I was very depressed and close to committing suicide, I never actually asked for any help. I was so confused and helpless. So I am worried that there is some unresolved issues that will be dealt with that I don't really want to face again. Its in the past and that is where it belongs. But on the other hand. If it makes me better then I guess its worth it. As long as they don't stop me from going to Japan, then I don't really mind.

As you can guess from the title, I've booked myself in the two day TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) course. I found a job listed on the TEFL site for a placement in Japan for 12/13 months working as an English Teaching Assistant in any prefecture in Japan. I told about 3 people at work, and they all supported me and said I should go for it. So When I got home, I did. Although its in August and its two days at Southampton. If it gives me a TEFL qualification, then I'm all for it. Then I can apply for a placement in Japan on the last day with my Tutor's help.

It will be strange leaving England behind for a full year, but as someone said to me "What have you got to lose? Surely it's better to try it and perhaps not like it than to spend your while life regretting not doing it. Be confident young lady." Although my mother and younger brother disapproves. I still want to go. It might even help me get into teaching, which is something I've been interested in doing but I don't think I'm a good enough to be a dance teacher. So why not teach a subject that I know. Although I'm really not that great at English. I'm better than some.

So if you live in Japan and I have you as a friend, then if your interested in meeting up, LET ME KNOW!!!

On another note;
To help boost my confidence a little. I finally got my hair coloured and cut!! I'm totally loving it right now! [link]

Art Work Sucks!

I've been trying to work with water colour recently, and now I know what I find it hard to work with. I SUCK AT IT!!!!! I've tried varies things. Like a Stargazer Lily, portraits and another eye piece. But I'm totally not happy with them. They start off well, but then I end up ruining them. They really aren't even worthy of posting on DA. I guess I should stick to Gouache Paints and drawing still life. Just about the only good thing I'm good at.

If I ever change my mind about uploading them, then be warned.... THEY SUCK!

I'm really not doing well recently. Work has gotten me so stressed that I went to the doctors and had a rather long chat. I have my assessment next month to see how bad my mental health actually is. Although I haven't told my parents yet. So I'm sure they are going to get a shock when I keep leaving the house for meetings. But I've never been "well" for a while. So this is definitely a good thing. A chance to finally get better with the proper help rather than trying to deal with it alone.

Plans For The Summer

Well apart from getting my house ready for me to live in, I'm thinking of making one of my rooms into my Art Studio!!! My parents house has a Music room (not a small one either) and I have a room in my house that can be an office or a studio. So an Art studio it is!! I might as well make the most of the room as I'm always drawing when I'm not at my part-time job. I doubt anyone would really buy my paintings. Although some people have told me that I should sell some. At least its worth a try right?!

I actually now can't wait for my studio to be done. Strange how one comment from a friend can give you a nudge into following it through.

I dunno about selling my work online, I've made prints available here on Deviant Art. But nothing has really come out of it. But I'm not gonna let it get me down. I have to just keep drawing. I might start to experiment with colours more in my paintings/sketches. Something that is a bit more vibrant. But will have to see where the creativity takes me.


I honestly don't know how I'm going to go about getting my work seen but I hope something will come up. I've been told to go to the local library and see if they would know about something. Otherwise, I think it will be through word of mouth.

Artistic Skills

I think its about time to admit that I'm really not getting any where drawing portraits in RL style or manga/anime....

I'm think I should stick to painting still life on canvases. I was thinking yesterday that I might actually try to sell some of my paintings this late spring. Not that they are really going to sell, but any bit of extra money will be good. I've already got a few idea's of what I can draw... its just getting a decent sized canvas, which does cost a fair bit of money... Thinking of selling some paintings for about £20-£30 to start off with depending on the size.

So What's New...?

It feels like forever since I created a journal entry..... sorry for not updating so much!

Things have been really hectic recently. And now it doesn't help that I seem to have a cold, which is so annoying but I'm glad to have some days off work to recover. At least working part-time kind of helps. But I've been really busy at work and it seems its not really helping that much. At the end of the day I just need to think about the money more than anything...

If there is one question that is annoying at the moment, its the "Are you ready for Christmas?" one. I'm not ready at all, and to be quite honest.... Its the last thing on my mind. I have a chance to go Christmas shopping this week, maybe on Wednesday if this cold goes away by then. However, I really am stuck as to what to buy people. I do have the money to buy presents this year. Its just that it is hard to buy presents for 3 guys. My brothers aren't really into similar things than me and my Father is always hard to buy for. I have some kind of idea as to what to buy my Mother this year, its just being able to buy her present when she isn't with me as we tend to go shopping together.

My drawing skills have managed to decrease a great deal. I just don't think I'm improving at all at the moment. I thought I was getting better and my [link] cheered me up a little as I thought I had finally gotten hold of my own style. HOWEVER.. I went to do a rough sketch [link] and failed miserably! I really hate the eye's... they just don't look right and I couldn't correct them no matter what I did. It was bad enough that I restarted that piece three times

I've even been neglecting my Japanese studies... well what I'm learning on my own. I've even tried to translate two new songs but that is very slowly progressing. I think that I've pushed it all to one side while I wait to hear that I didn't get a place on the JET Programme. I'm sure when I have more time off that I will get back into it all. As I really would love to be fluent in Japanese some time during my life.