Just a little sentimental

I honestly didn't think I would get sentimental but its slowly hitting me. It is only a week till my 27th Birthday. I know its meant to be a happy time and celebrate being a year older, but I almost feel the opposite. Instead its a reminder of how much things have and will change. I have 11 days left in the UK.

Please don't get me wrong! I really am excited to be going to Japan and living there. Its a dream come true. I cannot wait to move into my apartment and settle into my new life. I've always wanted a fresh start in a place where I don't get reminded of things that happened in the past. Or feel like I am stuck in a runt and can't escape. I can hopeful work in an environment where I won't get stressed most of the time or be given guilt trips into doing something I don't want to do.

2012 was the most difficult year I have ever had. Yet there was some people who told me to apply for a job I had always wanted to do. It had been a dream since I was young to be a teacher. I wasn't really sure on what subject I wanted my speciality to be. It was either a dance teacher or and English teacher. It wasn't until High School where I really felt inspired to be a teacher.

I had this amazing English teacher, Mrs Clarke. To me, she was a teacher who didn't treat me like some child they had to teach. She would push me to try my hardest and help me in any way I could. I even took extra classes after school so I could get more help with my assignments and get the highest grade I could. I passed my GCSE English with two Cs, which to me made me really happy, even my form tutor was really excited and praised me for my hard work. It might not seem like much to other people. But for me to have someone reach out and help meant a great deal than I could ever express.

I even more grateful to my friend Kaytee R. She has helped me through a lot over the past three years. Be it deciding on if a relationship is good for me or applying for work. She has always listened and given me honest advise. But I am going to miss her so much. She supported me through my counselling sessions and helped me out of my little shell that I cocooned myself in. I owe her so much and I will be totally lost without her. I won't have my drinking, dance and shopping partner with me any more. Plus I am going to miss her adorable little baby girl. She is just as beautiful as her mother, whom I am so proud of. Love you my one and only <3

If it wasn't for Nessa, I don't think I would have understood what it was like to have a friend from the very start. We've known each other since we were four years old. We used to live across the road from each other and play everyday. We may have lived apart from each other for a long time. But we have always kept in contact and kept each other up-to-date with how things are going. She moved back to the Island well over a year ago and she helped through counselling too. She knew how troubled I was and how it was making me really depressed. Plus she knows me better than anyone, well she has put up with for the past 23 years.

Then there is my family. We seem perhaps a little dysfunctional and we aren't that close. But there is one person who I am going to miss so much that I really hope they will be fine while I'm away. Since I came home from Uni, I think I've become more close to my Mother. We spend a lot of time together and I don't just mean at home. We go shopping, out for meals and go watch movies. We have never been this close and she is definitely my best friend. Although it did take a lot of time to convince her that 3/4 length trousers didn't suit her, but I go there with determination!! The past couple of years have been so difficult for her as she has struggled looking after her Mum who now has dementia. Yet she has become strong in dealing with it all that I hope she doesn't crumble while I am away. Mum has always put others first and then later herself. She can get angry at times but that is because she been strong for far too long. She may not like my decisions in life or the boyfriends I've dated. But she has always done anything she can to help. She may be overprotective at times, but it only means she cares. I really do love my Mum and I hope that Dad and younger Brother are going to look after her while I'm gone. But its going to be hard to get used to her not being around.

Of course I am grateful to everyone else who said I should go for this job and do something more with my life. Especially friends I have made at my old job. Their support and kind words really mean a lot. Even more so I felt a little out of place at times because some didn't understand me. But thank you all so much!!

At the end of the day I am only going to Japan, its only a long plane ride away. I will be coming home when ever I can. And it may only be that I will be away for a year. If its more than I will be sure to come back and surprise you all.

Sorry for being sentimental but I wanted to say something now.

 

 

Moving to Iwate Prefecture, Japan

[caption id="attachment_391" align="alignleft" width="630"] Map of Japan[/caption]

I received a phone call from Japan yesterday morning from Interac Recruitment and Placement Department. I was offered a placement, which I could accept in the next 24 hours. I will be moving to Iwate Prefecture, Japan. I will be working within two High Schools and will need to drive. It will be an exciting new challenge to be teaching in a High School. I am completely new to teaching though. But I am still very excited to be given this opportunity to work in such an environment.

Luckily, yesterday was a day off work so I was able to look for all the information I could find on Iwate Prefecture|岩手県. Its very interesting to see what the climate is like. It was closer to the Hokkaido than I thought it was. But that means that I get to enjoy Snow 6 months of the year.

From what I've read on-line, Iwate is the second biggest prefecture in Japan after Hokkaido. So it comes to no surprise that so far I will one of six ALTs of Interac will be placed there. I am looking forward to working with so many people and meet the current ALTs who are already working in Japan. It will be interesting to see where the intense training is going to be held. But I am sure once its over, the group of us will be able to travel to Iwate together and have orientation at the Morioka Branch (well I think that is what is going happen, nothing has been confirmed yet).

Moving to Iwate Pref. is probably one of the biggest steps I've ever taken. I know it took me a while to get here, but somehow I managed it. I was sure that with the troubles of collecting paperwork and references that I wouldn't seem eager enough to want a job with Interac. Yet I guess I was proven wrong. People have told me to have more confidence in myself. For me to get this placement must prove something. I am clearly able to do more than I think. Hopefully teaching will help me build up my confidence and faith in myself. I will definitely be building up courage to speak in front of students ageing 15-18 years old. But at the same time, I can relate to the age group more. Although I might feel really old compared to them, I will just have to get used to that though.

I really cannot wait to move. I will be looking forward to be able to explore what Iwate has to offer.

A Trip to Iwate - Iwate Prefecture Tourism Portal Site
Excursion in Zipangu, the Land of Gold Explore the modern-day Zipangu around Hiraizumi where Golden Culture still thrives

Looking through this website, I am looking forward to learning how to Ski during the long winder. As well as being able to go to the Onsen's and temples which are in such beautiful surroundings. I am really glad to have bought my Nikon D3100 now as I can really put it to go use.

As I've yet to have from the Morioka Branch for further info, I am sure to update this blog very soon ヽ(＾Д＾)ﾉ

Hate it!

I starting to really hate things at the moment. I thought I was unsure where I belonged before I got a job in Japan. Now its even worse, I Hate it!

Most people are telling me "Do what you think is right" or "Do whatever makes you happy"... Getting a job in Japan is a dream. To be able to help children learn more about English culture is something I never thought I would be able to do. But what about my home in the UK? Can I really call it the place I call "home"? I am feeling a little lost and confused about it all.

My father asked me when I thought it was best to put my car up on a local e-bay type site. Now to me, my car is a precious thing that I don't want to loose. I bought it will all my own money and worked hard to get it. If there was a way to import it back to Japan, then I would definitely do it. But selling it just doesn't seem right. I know I plan to stay in Japan for a year or more but does that really mean I have to sell it?

I've also had my Brother tell me that I should sell everything I own to get the money to use in Japan. But wouldn't that mean loosing every reason I have to come back? Do people really not want me to come back after a year?? Am I really that loved??? I know it might seem that I am really twisting people's words, but its what I am feeling at the moment.

Maybe I should really sell everything I have here in England. My computer, my car, my personal belongings, and maybe even my house, which I probably won't ever get to live in. I thought having things here would make me feel like I will always a place to come back to. A place that is familiar. Was I really just imagining it all?

Its probably for the best. I have always thought that going to Japan would mean a new start and a new life. Where I can meet new people and other people who love Anime, Manga, J-Rock, J-Pop and even K-Pop like I do. I get to go to Karaoke bars and have a laugh with my new co-workers while still trying to keep up with social hierarchy.

Its Karma Bitch!

Looking through my fb history and I've got to admit. Damn have I been through a lot of shit! A failed longterm relationship and broken friendships, becoming an outcast, being rejected and struggling with personal problems.

But look at where this biatch is now! I got through all that and ended up making my dreams come true. If that isn't a slap in face to all those bastards who ruined my life.. then I hope karma comes and bites you in the ass!! Its karma Bitch!

I am going to Japan!!

Oh yes people, I am going to Japan! I will be leaving in March to start work in April. I really couldn't believe what I was reading when I got an email from the Recruitment office in Japan offering me a job. I really did think that I didn't do well in the demo lessons that they wouldn't offer me any placement at all. However, my friends kept telling me to believe and have more confidence in myself. I have tried for a similar position in Japan via the JET programme but I didn't even get to the interview stage. Now that I have a TEFL qualification and have applied for work via one of the biggest companies who send ALTs to Japan, I have been more successful. One thing I am most unsure of, is my level of Japanese. I've tried my best to study the language myself. Yet when I had to introduce myself in Japanese for the presentation part of my interview.. I so hope it was good enough for them to understand. I have never spoken to anyone who is Japanese in Japanese before. So I wasn't sure of what level my understanding actually is, so I went for Beginner as it is true in some ways.

The most exciting part now is beginning. I have to sent the last three forms of my application to Japan before the 10th January. Then I have to apply for the Certificate of Eligibility and apply for my visa before arriving in Japan. Once the CoE is completed, then my placement will be confirmed. Hopefully then I will find out where about in Japan I will be placed. I am not too fussy as to where I want to go. To me, as long as I get to experience life in Japan and do my best at my job then I will not mind at all. Its going to be a fresh new start for me where I can finally relax and become stronger in myself.

This past year has been the most difficult year of all. From hitting the lowest of the lows in life and doing things that I never thought I would do. To actually taking that jump, getting a qualification and being offered in a job that is my dream job really. I have always wanted to be a teacher from a young age because I want to help children learn more about the world and help them out in any way I can. Its amazing to watch a child grown and mature. Plus they can be so unpredictable that it makes life more entertaining.

So wish me luck for the future and please still contact me when I am there. I will miss my closest friends and family above all. So please don't forget me!!

Nothing is worse than

Its so strange that after being single for a year and a half now, I am so confused over how guys think. Nothing is worse than being confused like this. I thought that growing up with only two brothers would be a good thing. At least I might be able to understand. But its totally not the case. Its probably just it worse as I still don't fully understand my brothers.

I do know that I have a tendency to over think things. Plus I was just looking online about stopping over thinking.. and the first step is:

Avoid situations and people that can lead to overthinking. You can do this based on history – you can probably determine which situations are going to keep you up at night unnecessarily. Or do this based on how something makes you feel prior to participating. This takes some self-awareness, but it isn’t unlike what an alcoholic has to do in order to stay sober. They avoid the people, places, and things that put them into that mental state.

"They avoid the people... that put them into that mental state". Maybe it might help to stay away from the person I like. Probably a good thing. Nothing is ever going to become of liking them anyway. I am sure that I have have the aura that scares men into thinking that I will be a horrible girlfriend. So they want to stay friends. I used to always think that I would always be alone. At least when I was thinking that, I was happier compared to now. It must have done me some good. If I do give off said aura, then it would be nice to know. A friend told me I am an amazing person etc.. but I really don't see it. But if any one tells me that they attracted to me because of my personality not for my looks one more time. I will seriously kick them in the nuts. People think its great to be attracted on what is on the inside. But in all honesty, people want to hear they are beautiful by the person they like. I've never had someone like me because I'm pretty (still can't used to saying that about me), so what reason do I have to believe that I am. My friends are different of course. It would just be nice to have someone to help boost my confidence a bit more rather than destroy it.

Anyway... Why do men confuse me? When I think that I am getting to know someone really well and it could progress even more, they drop the "its not you, its me" line. The fake line that really pisses me off. The line that really means "Its because I am really not attracted you as your not attractive enough but I will try to let you down gently". The line that should never have come into existence!  Yes, people try to do the right thing, but doing the absolute wrong thing. Never should anyone use this line if you wish to remain friends either. It makes a person feel like they back-up-, back-up, last resort back-up. If you are really going to toy with a person's feeling, then you may try to use this line. But be warned that you always been perceived as the ass-hole who used 'that line' with the added bonus of being kicked where if freaking hurts!

Also, I am really not liking the "FRIENDZONE" tactic either. The zone that I have been put in most of my life. This zone is getting a little boring. Its also the reason why I am really hating Men right now. Rejection is a bitch with being  FRIENDZONED as its whore of a cousin. Why do people bother with this zone?? Again, its toying with someone's emotions and its a bastard! "I don't see you in that/I am not looking for a relationship right now, so can we just be good friends?!" The rhetorical question that really puts the knife in someone's heart. The question that instantly makes me think of Juliet when she sees Romeo dead laying next to her and her only hope is to commit suicide. That happy dagger that would really be the icing on the cake and would also be a better way to knock someone down when they are already down. You may seem like your letting someone down gently... when you really just killed them inside and stepped them even further onto the road of depression. Seriously, do people not even think about this when they FRIENDZONE someone?????

I think those two lines are the lines I dread to hear the most. I really don't want to hear them because you know that only go together, if you hear one, then the other is only just round the corner. It then seals your fate of a doomed existence. Instead, I just say "Don't worry about it" or "It doesn't matter" I would rather stop you than have to hear those two lines one more freaking time! Its just confusing when you try to reject us by staying friends and give us hope that something might happen in the future.

So please guy's, try to just at least do something right and don't use these lines!! You are not really doing anyone any favours if you do!

An Update

Well its been a long time since I posted, so here is an update so far about my life and what is new. I'm sorry if it is a little boring, but please bare with me and I hope it all becomes clear towards the end.

TEFL:

I passed the 20-Hour Weekend course. It was a little nerve wreaking at first, but after the ice breakers we all relaxed and really enjoyed ourselves. I was surprised to find out that I was the only one on the course who wants to go to Japan to teach. Most wanted to go to Thailand or to Brazil or Spain. It works out better for me as I don't have many going for jobs there.

Interac Japan:

I finished my application for a position there last week. I am only waiting back for a reply to a question I sent last Thursday with regards to a query about References. Hopefully, I should hear back from them soon, so I can fully completely my application and get to the next stage that is the phone interview.

Art:

Well I persevered and made a painting on A4 using water colour and drawing Ink. But then I painted a bigger version on a canvas I got for my birthday this year. It might not sound like much but I really wanted to experiment using Ink in my work. I think it all turned out really well: http://sazzy-bu.deviantart.com/art/Sweet-Breeze-Canvas-328949022

I have also added some more images to my Society 6 profile. I have had a few people promote my work so far, however, I've yet to have anyone buy a piece. But my work is still progressing, so I'm not that surprised. http://society6.com/SazzyBu

House:

Well the work is currently on hold till we get an electrician in to certify all the wiring. Only then will I will be happy fully finishing the decorating. But the water and gas isn't connected at all. I am hoping to moving in before Christmas. I really need to get out of my parents house and live on my own. I've been too dependent for far too long now. I need to get back on my feet rather than secluding myself in my bedroom as its the only place that is really "My Space". That I really have too much things in my room. Its all piled in so I don't take over the spare room in the house. It just means that I have plenty of things to fill up my own house. Especially clothes wise. Even my art work is piling up too now. I really want to see what its like on the walls. Guess I will have to wait.

Love:

Well.... its still non-existent. There is someone that I like but I think its more unrequited than anything. Not that I really blame them. I am a strange person and I think it takes a lot to understand me. That I don't think I'm good enough for them. A friend gave me a funny look when I agreed to that part. I really do wish that I didn't have this low self-esteem. I just need to find someone to give me the right boost. But at the same time, I don't think anything will ever happen as I want to leave in March next year (that is if everything goes to plan. I wanted to leave soon but that isn't going to happen).

I would like for things to nicely fit into place, but I will have to see how things go for now. Its a lot of waiting, especially for work. Then there is the factor that I need to decide on what I really want to do. Do I confess or do I keep quiet and watch them be with someone else. So confusing but I honestly don't know what to really do.

HELP ME!!!